I am about to unveil five secrets of childbirth and what happens the week after that no one tells you about — because if we did share these secrets, women would refuse to procreate. Today, Kate Middleton is not a royal. She’s a woman who just had a baby and that levels the playing field.
Royal childbirth (and the aftermath) is the same as working girl childbirth. Here are five things we know no one has told Kate.
Girls gone wild
As childbirth nears, most women get kind of excited at the idea that their breasts will get bigger without expensive pushup bras or surgery. The girls will get bigger — as will your bologna-sized nipples. This is not a good look — not even for a royal. And the fun is just beginning. They also tend to become riddled with visible veins and stretch marks. Here’s a spoiler alert for the guys in the crowd who can’t wait for their pregnant gal’s chest to increase in volume — if you so much as look at them sideways, she’ll start crying. The girls might get bigger, but these aren’t party girls. These are working girls, and they don’t like to be messed with.
Kinks in the plumbing
We’re going to a delicate place that some of you may not be able to handle, which is why these secrets are so heavily guarded. During and after childbirth, you are typically pumped full of painkillers and codeine. The latter wreaks havoc on your internal plumbing, and you are going to have to get creative to get things moving again. Every experienced mother knows the remedy to this situation — a cocktail of prune juice and 7UP. Kate’s might get served in royal china, but she’s going to have to use the same tricks the rest of us do to get back to normal.
Many women experience hair changes during pregnancy and after childbirth. It’s not unusual for hair to become darker, and in some instances, wavier.
It’s also not unusual for a woman to grow dark facial and body hair during this time. This is when you’ll see a woman who’s had long hair forever suddenly and drastically hack it all off. Women tire of looking like hairy apes or like a rat died atop their heads, and that is why we often see radical changes in hairstyles after a baby is born. That and the fact that you have little to no time to attend to personal hygiene when you have a newborn, and short hair takes less time to fix. Kate has lots of help attending to England’s newest heir, so we’ll wait and see if she ditches her royal mane.
All women talk about after having a baby is how excited they are to get back into their jeans, because most women want to throw their maternity wear on a ceremonial bonfire. We don’t see Kate’s slender frame in jeans often, but if she has a favorite pair in the back of the royal closet, she needs to know that she may never fit into them again. Here is what your friends won’t tell you — you’ll get down to your pre-pregnancy size, but your hips will take on a mind of their own. There’s a reason jeans that are wide enough to set sail with are called “mom jeans.”
How hard can it be, right? Experienced moms can insert snickering here. We all think that because nursing is natural, it will be easy. That’s why it makes us feel like a miserable failure when the baby won’t latch on or the “lactation consultant” has to come to our hospital room. The first thing Kate needs to know is nursing is tricky and takes some practice. The other thing she needs to know is that her nipples are going to get a workout (is it okay to talk like that about royal nipples?) and they may crack and bleed. Being royalty will get you out of a lot of unpleasantness, but not this. Luckily there are all kinds of ways to rectify sore nipples, including dangling herbal tea bags from nursing bra straps between feedings. Wouldn’t that make an interesting royal image?
Naturally, we’re having a bit of fun with this topic and babies are well worth any and all physical inconveniences we endure along the way. We’re certain the Duchess of Cambridge will come out of childbirth with flying colors and go on to have several more princes and princesses.