Comparing men to pieces of bread when out in broad daylight

Oct 29, 2008 at 6:58 p.m. ET

I recently went out with a group of girlfriends for a girls night out. We started off the evening with dinner, then to be followed by drinks. What resulted: Mayhem. Regardless of the disastrous night (of girls arguing over who said what), one good thing came out of it: The realization that men can be compared to toast. We started the night off at a bar. We surveyed the crowd. What if men in social settings can be broken up into four different types of personas. Instead of using adjectives and calling them as we see it, wouldn't it be more fun to refer to them as, well, pieces of bread? Not sure what we mean? Read on for how we match the man to the bread...

Dry Toast

"What's dry toast doing here?" one of the girls asked. She was referring to the man at the corner who was neither the life of the party or even someone to talk to. He stands off to the side -- he's either shy or plain old rude. Girls don't dare try to make a conversation with this man for he is a lazy socializer. You'll have to carry the conversation and soon enough you'll feel as if you were talking to yourself. It's too much effort for someone you barely know, let alone a man who's not worth an ounce of trouble. He's as "dry" as his personality. Get it?

Burnt Toast

Burnt toast, on the other hand, is the man who tries really hard -- too hard, actually. He's as "burnt" as his jokes, one-liners and punch lines. You stick around enough for a conversation with him or two just enough to figure out where you lie on the coolness level (which is high), while "burnt toast" is below you though he may think otherwise. Don't be fooled by his appearance -- he's working off of years of ego that has long since dried up and disintegrated.

Toaster Crumbs

We just feel bad for toaster crumbs. This man has what we call what's reminiscent to a self esteem he once had. It's long gone -- it left along with the last relationship he had. That last ex of his burned him to a crisp. He has nothing left to give. He's a sad handful of crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. No one wants to eat that. It just sits there hopeless and depressed. No need to watch out for this one, his bread identity is so obvious, everyone stays away at all costs.

Buttered Toast

Now buttered toast -- that's bread we can get behind. Everyone loves eating buttered toast whether it's good or bad for them. It looks good, tastes good, and replenishes us for later. It's equivalent of a breath of fresh air after you've met all the other variations of bad toasts out there -- burnt, dry and crumbs. It's not too dry, it's nowhere near burnt and it's a hundred times better than crumbs. It's just right. Some say buttered toast is hard to come by. Sadly they may be right, but it's worth the wait.

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