. . . And if all else fails?, Part 3
What to do when you've tried everything and your relationship still seems to be failing.
It is my opinion that you can best be served by going to therapy or relationship coaching for questions, not answers. You may get a few fresh ideas or new perspectives (you can call them answers if you choose), but generally speaking, a relationship coach or therapist who asks a lot of questions will soon help you get back on track. And it is only my opinion.
Other forms of therapy also have redeeming value and work equally as well in most cases. However, 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' may not always be the truth. Different strokes were invented for different folks.
The answer is most often found in the question. A good therapist or coach will ask many questions. Until you are ready to make some changes you may not be ready to deal with what you know needs to be done. It may also be difficult to understand that you already know the answers. When you are in the midst of worry, pain and the fear of separation, it is tough to focus on the answers you already know. You allow fear to keep you from mustering up the courage necessary to face the truth of what must be done. The carefully designed questions of a skilled therapist can assist you in uncovering the answers you didn't know you knew.
When you discover answers to a therapist's questions given from a professional perspective and your answers are grounded in a commitment to personal integrity, you experience a sense of personal achievement and a feeling of self-confidence. You have experienced a breakthrough of the heart! It's that voice we were talking about earlier.
Go to therapy together. . . hand in hand. Put aside your differences in favor of a future together, anchored in unconditional love. Therapy works best when love partners who are searching for solutions to their difficulties and are willing to support each other in the process, see the therapist together. It is a demonstration of love and support for each other that is recommended and needed.
When you go to therapy only to appease your love partner or when you view therapy as a waste of time or just another phase in the relationship that will pass with time, you may be wasting your time and your money. It's like taking a step in the right direction for all the wrong reasons. You are only fooling yourself.
Further, you may find that your lover will choose therapy in spite of you. They may discover the answers they were looking for. Because of your resistance to self-discovery you may feel left out in the cold. You may find yourself out-distanced by your love partner's own personal recovery and may experience the feeling of being left behind. The danger of actually being left behind could become a reality.
If, for any reason, going to therapy together is not possible, begin the journey alone. It is far better to be on this path alone, than to hold back because your love partner refuses to go, and as a result, you delay making a connection with the information that could assist you in the healing of an often painful and unhealthy relationship. Making YOU your number one priority in this scenario is a healthy choice.
Therapy and writing have assisted me in working through the denial, loneliness, guilt, rejection, grief and anger. I highly recommend Bruce Fisher's book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, to assist in this process.