We’ve all had sex dreams about those we are attracted to as well as those we aren’t interested in at all. Maybe you’ve even had a dream lover you can’t stand in real life. Regardless, a sex dream always leaves us wondering why we had it and what the meaning behind it is
Many of us fantasize about having sex or being intimate during our waking hours, but what does it mean when someone enters our dreams and we have our way with each other? We asked some experts, who set the record straight about the real reason you are dreaming about sexual encounters with your ex, a stranger or a coworker.
1. It’s not necessarily about sex
It’s not necessary about wanting to have sex with the person in your dreams, but more about “a psychological union you need,” Lauri Quinn Loewenberg, a professional dream analyst and author of Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams, Change Your Life, tells SheKnows. Having a sexy dream about someone doesn’t mean you’re attracted them as much as it means they have a quality “you need to connect with in order to better yourself,” Loewenberg explains.
Maybe you’ve had a deep conversation with them or watched them assert themselves in a way you wish you could. “The dreaming mind uses the act of sex — which is two separate individuals joining together as one — to represent the connection or merger you are experiencing in waking life,” Loewenberg says.
Similarly, Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, a psychologist, speaker and author, says these dreams don’t have a thing to do with sex but are about power and control and our need to be released from it or get power and control back into our lives.
2. They play an important role in your life’s journey
These dreams can leave you feeling unsettled, but if you recognize they happened in order to better your life’s journey and tap into the real reason you had one, you can benefit from sex dreams in a big way.
“In a nutshell, sex dreams are showing you what you lack,” Loewenberg says.
3. These dreams are about you
According to Irwin, dreams are a reflection of the dreamer’s current state of personal, professional, health or interpersonal life — which is an important reason not to brush them off, as they’re an opportunity for us to connect with ourselves.
Types of sex dreams
Here are some typical sex dreams and what they mean according to Loewenberg.
Sex with an ex
Even if it’s been a while since you’ve been with an ex, you may be dreaming about them for a few reasons. Firstly, Loewenberg says that your dream may be telling you it’s time to spice up your sex life.
Secondly, if you are dreaming about an ex-spouse that you see often, Loewenberg says it’s “your inner mind alerting you to an issue with that person.” She goes on to say that it’s important to look at what happened between the two of you a few days prior to your dream.
Lastly, she explains that the dream is a clear indication you are stuck and have not fully healed from the relationship. You will continue to keep dreaming of this person until you let go of the past and allow yourself to move on.
Sex with a coworker or boss
According to Loewenberg, your boss represents power, decision-making and assertiveness. If you have a sex dream about them, it simply means you need to merge those qualities into your own life. A sex dream involving a coworker also means that person possess something you wish for yourself, be it that they are the boss’s favorite or you feel they are more advanced in their career than you are, she adds.
Sex with a friend
While it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself if there is an attraction there after a sexy dream, if you have a sex dream about a friend, it usually means you have recently connected on a deeper level, Loewenberg notes.
Sex with a stranger
The most common of all sex dreams, having a dream about a stranger or faceless partner doesn’t mean the mystery person is really our soul mate, according to Loewenberg. What it is doing is showing us “different parts of our personality in the form of a person so we have a deeper understanding of ourselves and what makes us tick,” she says.
So the next time you wake up in a sweaty heap after a sex dream, even if it’s with someone you aren’t attracted to, take a moment to think about a quality that person might possess that you would like to work on for yourself. Your subconscious may be trying to tell you something.