What’s Erotic Verbal Humiliation?

Feb 13, 2018 at 3:00 p.m. ET
Image: Getty Images

For some people, a little dirty talk is just what they need to get in the mood. But for others, this goes beyond partners describing what they will (or won't) do to them in bed — they are also turned on by being humiliated. This is also something I do professionally.

Verbal belittlement is a consensual psychological form of humiliation that creates a rise in excitement for both the top and the bottom. Erotic humiliation fetishes are the most popular among submissives. This form of humiliation is typically done in private and falls under the BDSM umbrella, meaning a safe word is always recommended.

Though they are typically considered the same thing, humiliation and degradation are actually quite different. Humiliation affects an individual mentally — by name-calling a body part or making fun of someone’s size. Cuckolding, for example, is a form of degradation because it’s a more public act, where the world sees the individual as less than.

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Sexual stimulation is often but not always the result of verbal humiliation. The power dynamics built up by two people can mature into a master-slave relationship, top-bottom or a dominant-submissive.

Humiliation play is also typically fostering a type of fetish. For example, with a foot fetish, the dominant may instruct that the submissive wash, clean or massage the dominant’s feet while verbal humiliation is occurring. The two linked humiliating acts can cause arousal.

Being a lazy domme, it’s enjoyable to strike a fetish without physically striking anyone. I don’t consider myself a dominatrix, but more of a humiliatrix. Men quite literally pay me to be mean to them. I don’t send nude photos. I mostly send (depending on their fetish) photos of my feet, videos of my boots, or simply my face where I demand a certain task for the day.

My submissives don’t talk back to me. I’m not a switch when it comes to verbal humiliation. I enjoy the way the words fall out of my mouth, and I enjoy their reactions. In my personal life, I’m also introducing verbal humiliation into the bedroom — but on a mild, less derogatory level.

In my personal experience, men find my videos of hypnosis and verbal humiliation enough for their erotic needs. This is a form of sexual role-play in the BDSM scene and can include financial domination or simply cashing in for custom videos.

So what are some specifics of verbal humiliation? The people behind the website Life on the Swingset explain that "verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy." Another example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

In my personal practice, I refuse to use racial or ethnic slurs and I steer away from feminizing my clients, as I don’t view being feminine as a derogatory thing. For each individual, these preferences may change but since it is something that I implement into my professional world, I make the rules (quite literally).

Why verbal humiliation?

Like with physical pain, humiliation is able to stimulate an area of the brain that also remembers social rewards. Since pleasure begins in the brain, the fantasy of verbal humiliation sparks something arousing in the mind when it’s brought into a scene.

A former University of Toronto psychology student, David de Jong, found that 50 percent of women found talking during sex, particularly talking dirty, to be “either strongly or extremely enjoyable.”

Sexual humiliation can be a lifestyle or a BDSM scene. Role-play is a common type of humiliation, which is where language can provide a great environment for your scene. For some people, being inside your mind is a great way to achieve an orgasm, especially when it’s accompanied by another fantasy or fetish.

Humiliatrix, Betty Pickles describes it as “the same kind of anxiety rush you get from going on a roller coaster.” It’s sort of awful, but you love it.

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How to include verbal humiliation in your sex life

First, make sure everyone involved is consenting. Ego reduction is a way to achieve humiliation play. Begin with ease — don’t dive into calling your partner every awful name you can think of saying to them. Before you begin, also make sure to create a list of off-limit phrases to ensure everyone is comfortable.

It’s difficult to explain what can be humiliating or not, as it varies for each individual. One person’s humiliation fantasy may not be another’s.

How to get started

I would suggest starting with small talk — quick phrases, humiliating words — just to test the waters in the beginning. If you would like, text your partner or send them short videos to understand your language better before bringing it into the bedroom.

Another way to to begin erotic humiliation is to compliment them while embracing them. Like my suggested phrase above, you are stating that they do give you pleasure and they do satisfy you, but their satisfaction is unnecessary.

Basic dirty talk can also be implemented into the scene. Cursing and calling body parts derogatory terms is a way to turn on a submissive. A phrase like, “You’re my toy and my satisfaction is all that matters,” is an easy, not-so-humiliating way to open up the dialogue. Once you understand what your partner wants, you can begin to find words and phrases that turn them on. Moreover, what do you want? It’s important to also arouse yourself by the way the words sound in your mouth.

Talking to or scolding your submissive like a child or commanding them to confirm your actions are various ways to be experimental with arousal via language.

Another important characteristic is how you deliver the sentence. Whispering, yelling, growling, laughing and angrily talking to them can change the tone of the entire scene. For many submissives, laughing at their body or making fun of their performance is a great way to give them what they want. Like anything, verbal humiliation takes practice.

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Use a thesaurus, learn some phrases, and seek out erotic verbal humiliation. Always make sure to pick up on any cues from a submissive and gauge reactions while also creating a comfort level for yourself. Don’t cross any boundaries and remember to establish a safe word and proper trust between one another.

The more enjoyable you find verbal humiliation, the more humiliating it will be. When you think or worry too much about what should be said, you lose the freedom of speaking fluidly. You’re going to stumble around at first; remember to laugh at yourself too.

By S. Nicole Lane

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