7 of the worst sex moves porn teaches us illustrated by adorable animals

Jul 14, 2016 at 2:32 p.m. ET
Image: Giphy

Ah, porn. It's a fun diversion and, given the right setting, can be a great mood setter and a whole lot of fun to watch with a partner and get all kinds of hot and ready. But not all porn is made equally. In fact, I'd say the majority of porn I have seen (and I have seen a lot) runs the gamut between kind of silly and downright offensive, with a couple outliers actually working for me and my husband in terms of getting us all hot and bothered.

Of course, the fact that porn is generally cheesy and unrealistic is hardly its worst offense. Nope. It's what porn teaches people that makes it the worst ever. I mean, honestly. If every teenage boy watching porn learns how to make a woman happy that way, we are in trouble, trouble, trouble.

So with that in mind, here are the seven worst things porn teaches us, as illustrated by adorable animals. And men, if you are listening, consider this a list of things not to do.

1. The dog shake cunnilingus move:

This is classic porn and it is classic gross. Nothing about this feels good, men. Nothing. If you want to know how to go down, ask her. She can tell you. But this? No. No orgasm this way, buddy.

wet dog
Image: Giphy.com

2. The boob head nudge:

Come on now. Do more with the boobs than nudge them with your head. Lick the skin a little and then plunge in. It's called foreplay. Look into it.

boob nudge
Image: giphy

3. The four-second orgasm:

I am going to let the dudes in on a little secret about women: We need more than four seconds of build-up to reach our big finish. Shocking, I know. But in porn, two seconds of kissing got me like:

orgasm cat
Image: Giphy

4. The nibble blowjob:

OK, so this isn't a "thing," per se. But how cute is it? And I mean, that carrot could be a penis, right? If it were five times the size!

nibble
Image: Giphy

5. Jack rabbit pounding:

It's not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean. Right? Well, this motion is all wrong. The guy may get off, but the girl? Ain't no one coming from this.

rabbit
Image: Giphy

6. The open mouth tongue lashing:

This is not how you kiss. It's just not.

kissing
Image: Giphy

7. The spit lube:

Dude! Buy some lube. It's like $3.99 at Target. It is unacceptable to spit on your dick and call it lubrication. Actually, it's just plain foul. No, no, no.

spitting goat
Image: Giphy

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