There are a billion and one articles out there on how to lick, smack and suck your way to better sex, but it turns out those tips — though helpful (and sometimes comical) — are not absolutely necessary to up your game between the sheets.
“There’s no such thing as someone who is ‘good at sex,'” Nicole Prause, principal investigator at the Sexual Psychophysiology and Affective Neuroscience Lab at the University of California, Los Angeles, told Science of Us. “It completely depends on your partner. For example, if you’re someone who loves to be pooped on, I’m never going to be a good partner for you. That’s just not in my repertoire.”
In other words: Knowing every position in the world won’t automatically make you a better lover; your ears and eyes will. Listening to what your partner says — and communicating your likes and dislikes back — is all it takes to learn how to have better sex with your partner.
“If you like something they’re doing, say ‘I like that,'” Prause says. “Use your words. If you can be more specific about what you like about it, do.”
Yes, it’s really that simple.
If communication with words while you’re naked and vulnerable isn’t easy for you, researchers recommend using a method known as Sensate Focus, “a hierarchy of invariant, structured touching and discovery suggestions” where you touch your partner for your own sexual gratification, not theirs.
In other words, it all boils down to communication, using both your eyes and ears. But proceed with caution — especially in a new sexual relationship.
“Don’t drop the big bomb first time,” Prause told Science of Us of over-communicating your likes and dislikes. “If you really like being choked with a rope, that’s kind of dangerous. Maybe don’t start with that, but talk about it eventually. Start with something more common as a way of building trust.”