Jealous much? New mattress can tell if your partner is cheating
Worried your partner might be cheating on you? Forget having a conversation — now you can just spy on them via your mattress!
Meet Smarttress, a smart mattress that comes from Spanish company Durmet and promises to let you know "if anybody uses your bed in a suspicious way."
A Smarttress video starts off by warning viewers of all the new ways there are to meet people in the age of the internet, which has apparently "boosted infidelity rates." Durmet warns: "The global infidelity crisis KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR!" The video shows several sensational headlines about breakups "caused by" platforms like WhatsApp, Facebook and Ashley Madison. We see several images of despondent lovers with cheating partners in the throes of despair.
But Durmet promises to restore peace of mind via their "lover detection system." What's that, you ask? Oh, it just entails embedding vibration-detecting sensors in your bed springs and other sensors that detect contact of a sexual nature. And it doesn't stop there. Smarttress sends alerts to your phone, detailing the "intensity and impact per minute" of your sig other's affair — you can even see where they're doing the deed via illuminated "pressure points" that light up on a 3D-rendering of your bed. Sounds like TMI to me, but I guess I'm not the target demographic for a mattress that doubles as a bedroom spy.
Damien Lucas, a spokesperson for Smarttress, explains just how much info this mattress can relay in an interview with Broadly. Users will be able to see "a clock ticking, which will tell you how long the activity has lasted — you know, whether it's 10 minutes or 15 minutes," he says. "Then, if you slide to another screen, you can also see the pressure, the rhythm and velocity of the activity."
Durmet promises that this new tech is "reassuring" (and not going to drive you completely and utterly insane as you wait to find our if your partner is having epic sex at a high velocity and impact rate per minute), because "if your partner isn't faithful, at least your mattress is."
Now you can pre-order this $1,800 mattress — confidentially, of course, because there's nothing at all unethical about not telling people they're being spied on as they sleep — and download the app in the App Store.
Or, you and your partner could just try working on your trust issues, which is much cheaper.