I’m sure we’ve all done some crazy things when we were horny and in love, especially as sexually charged teenagers. Some may have had sex in the costume storage closet of their high school theater (not me, I swear), while others have gotten super creative when confronted with the horror of horrors — no birth control.
Now let me preface this story by saying that while I may have done some stupid things in the face of sexual attraction, I would never condone trying this at home. It, like every stunt on Jackass, could have serious repercussions, including but definitely not limited to unwanted pregnancy.
Here’s a little backstory. Total Sorority Move — an online publication that appears to be dedicated to the inane things girls do in and around college — published this piece by an anonymous young woman, which is essentially about how to not have safe sex. Said unnamed writer and her high school boyfriend were all ready to have sex in his sister’s house when they realized they didn’t have a condom. We’ve all been there, right? Well, their solution was, shall we say, not the smartest one. However, so as to not blow the ending (pun intended), I’ll get right to the good stuff (pun, again, intended).
First, she sent him scouring for one, naked, all around his sister’s house. “As I was sitting there waiting for him to return from his mission, an idea popped into my mind. A memory, almost. Back in the day when I was obsessed with the musical Grease (because yes, we all had our first sexual fantasies thanks to Danny Zuko) I remembered the scene where John Travolta rubs Saran Wrap on his dick.
“I had asked my mom what that was all about, and for some reason she didn’t lie. She fessed up and admitted that back in the olden days if kids didn’t have a condom, they’d use plastic wrap. The joke’s on her, because when she told chubby, awkward me that at the age of ten, she never thought I would use that information when I was seventeen and hot.
“So when Adam came back in the room empty handed (shocker. He didn’t find a condom just laying around his sister’s house), I told him the plan. He was going to go into the kitchen, find some plastic wrap, and wrap that dick up.”
I’m sure you can guess what happens next. However, she does paint a pretty funny picture, so here’s a bit more of the saga.
“The sight that I was greeted with when he returned yet again is one that I will never forget. The tanned, toned guy I was in love with was completely naked. And attached to his pelvis? A massive boner that looked like it was being strangled by white-ish, clear tape.
“’Does it hurt?’ I asked, gazing down at his painful looking erection.
“’No. Not really. It just feels… tight?’ He grimaced as he moved toward the bed.”
Needless to say, the experience was a memorable one, and definitely not in a good way. She describes his penis wrapped in cellophane as akin to “leftover sausage” or “a plastic toy.” I won’t get into the whole their-having-sex part, because it’s definitely on the level of porn, but I think the words “squishy” and “scratchy” sum it up pretty well.
So now that you have the image (and those sounds) firmly planted in your head, let me round this out with a little PSA. All you teens out there, the Saran Wrap condom is not — I repeat, not — a suitable alternative to a condom. If you get caught in a situation without one, take the frustrating, five-minute trip to the drugstore rather than get creative, or worse, go for the ol’ “pull out and pray” method. Neither are effective at protecting against pregnancy or STDs, and as was illustrated above, the Saran Wrap method is gross and not at all worth it. Better to deal with several minutes of frustration now than a whole month of anxiety waiting for your period to come.