Why I will never schedule sex

Jan 12, 2016 at 9:30 a.m. ET
Image: Bridget Sporrer/Getty Images

My husband and I live a very busy life. He works full time with a lot of travel, and I work part time and am currently in yoga teacher training. We have three kids, a dog, two cats and two guinea pigs. Plus a house. And all the other little things that take hours and hours each day to complete. Suffice it to say, we are not swimming in alone time.

The truth is, once we finish a full day, most of the time both my husband and I are tired and just want to be left alone. No demands. I like to read. He likes to read or watch TV. Sometimes we watch things together (hello, Making a Murderer!), but the truth is, Monday to Friday, we rarely are in the mood to get down and dirty. It usually happens a couple of times, but even then, it's not the way it is on the weekends when we have more time and energy.

It's just kind of a fact after 15 years together and a big family. We are probably prime candidates for the whole "schedule sex" thing so many marriage therapists recommend. Experts like to say that "scheduled sex is better than no sex at all" and while I do agree with that, I also think planning sex takes everything I like about the act and squashes it.

Now maybe it is just because my husband and I, despite our exhaustion, tend to be a pretty affectionate couple and we do manage to have sex a few times a week, even though not every session is a marathon love-fest. Sometimes a quickie is plenty. I am sure if our sex dwindled to once a week or less, I would be looking for answers and possibly turn to my calendar. But I'd also have some questions.

More: Sex schedule: It may not sound sexy, but it may help keep both of you happy

Like, why is sex such a low priority that it falls off the schedule unless I manually place it there? Sure, being "touched out" is a thing for parents and there are some days I'd just rather be alone with my book. But the key word there is "some." There are many more days when I want my husband. And besides, sometimes I just get plain randy. We are humans. We need sex to be happy. I notice a marked difference in my mood when it has been a couple of days. And I don't like it.

To me, the idea of scheduling sex takes all the fun out of it. I find it hot that sometimes my husband sees me just after the shower and has to have it. I like that feeling when a spontaneous cuddling session evolves into something more. I have no problem scheduling date nights (and we do them weekly), but I also don't think sex is part of that package. Sex should just be in the air. It should happen naturally and should stem from our hormones and desire, not from an iPhone reminder text.

More: Advice from couples who schedule sex

Anything that takes the spontaneity out of sex is something that is decidedly unsexy in my opinion. No matter how long we stay married (and I hope it's 100 years), we will never put sex on our calendars. And things will stay as hot as ever.

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