10 Perfect responses for men caught in Ashley Madison hack

Aug 26, 2015 at 12:23 p.m. ET
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The Ashley Madison data dump is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? From Duggars to government employees to Christian vloggers, every day is a hypocritical Christmas. I call it "Crit-mas." I can only imagine what some of these guys' conversations were like with their wives when they got home that day. So imagine I did, and I came up with 10 reactions I could see coming from some of these poor, broken men.

1. "Who is this Ashley Madison you speak of? I don't believe I've met her."

When in doubt, feign ignorance. Shockingly, for a man who uses the Internet, he has never heard of this "Ashley Madison" person but thinks she sounds like a slut.

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2. "I don't even know how to use email. How do you computer?"

Watch that you don't go too far on this ignorance thing, though. It's one thing to try to seem oblivious, it's another to fake amnesia. Amnesia is very hard to pull off.

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3. "I thought that by 'affair' they meant a fancy get-together! For example, a lovely dinner with your beautiful wife."

Semantics is one way to go, I guess.

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4. "You're always saying you want to make more friends, so I thought this would be a great way to find women who are as open-minded as you are!"

This one takes some balls. Not only is he saying he did it for her, but he is also praising her open-mindedness. Nice try, Captain, but this one won't fly.

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5. "My identity has been stolen!"

Yes, I know. My 70-year-old mother says the same thing three or four times a year.

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6. "Ha! You know April Fools' Day, right? Well, this is August A**hole Month! So... surprise! Gotcha!"

Nope, not a thing, Jeffrey. Not. A. Thing.

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7. "In case you hadn't noticed, there are some very distinguished men on that list."

Whoa, slow down there, fella. Some ESPN employees, small-town cops and a Duggar are indeed an elite group of idiots, but I don't know that I'd hitch my horse to their wagon of bulls***.

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8. "I think the bigger issue here is the fact that you felt you needed to check for my name. I feel violated."

Well played. It's a switcheroo! If only you had trusted him, you wouldn't be having this conversation. Really, which is worse: his infidelity or your lack of trust? (Psst... it's his infidelity.)

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9. "Yes, I did it. But you know what? I never met anyone who was anywhere near as wonderful as you."

Really? And exactly how many women did you meet that weren't as wonderful as me? No, please, tell me. I want to know just how amazing I am.

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10. "It was for research. Yes, for my job at Petco."

"It was a marketing thing. We wanted to know what kinds of pets women who have affairs with married men tend to have. The answer is hamsters. Weird, huh? Well, guess I'll head to bed now..."

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