Most people have experienced what it’s like to date someone who still lives at home. In high school, it was a necessary evil due to being minors and all, but what about during those less defined times, when one is officially an adult, but not yet financially independent? This “transitional period” where you’re still sharing home space with your parents is a state with which millennials are all too familiar, and needless to say, it puts a major wrench in your dating life.
There’s a fun little statistic that in 2012, over 36 percent of Americans ages 18-31 were still living with their parents, thus earning us the title, “the boomerang generation.” For a number of un-fun reasons, we ended up back in our childhood homes, which is not something anyone wants to put on their dating profile.
I certainly fell into this category for a few years post-college, and while it’s nice to have essentially free meals, and clean laundry all the time, you also quickly discover you’re living under a microscope, where every move is scrutinized. Thus I made it my mission to get out of there as quickly as possible, which thankful, I achieved by age 24. However, there were a few dudes I dated in my early to mid twenties who weren’t so lucky. Let’s just say, the movie Failure to Launch painted a very kind picture compared to what dating someone who still lives with his parents is actually like.
1. You’re never really alone
This title sounds like a horror movie, but you know, sometimes it felt just like that. I’d come over to a guy’s house, we’d immediately go to his room (which was usually in the basement), and as soon as we started to get comfortable, his mom would come down and see if we wanted anything. The scariest part is she was so quiet coming down the stairs, I never new she was there until she spoke! Who know how much she saw (or heard)! Moms like that should always come equipped with the theme music from Jaws.
2. Getting “intimate” is near impossible
Image: Paramount/Failure to Launch
If you’re parents are somewhere in the house, there is no safe place to get it on. In my opinion, if you can hear them walking around, they are too close for comfort. Plus, remember those sneaky mom tricks from rule one (I swear, some moms must’ve been ninjas in their former lives). Thus most of these home dates remained PG13 — or as it’s more commonly known to guys — blue ball hell.
3. The traditional pre-date interview
Remember when guys would come over to your house in high school, and your dad would grill them for 20 minutes as if they were in a super intense job interview? Well get ready to experience the other side of that, because your date’s mom is now interviewing you to possibly fill the wife/mother position. Make sure you bring a resume. And a blood sample.
4. The return of the curfew
This one’s pretty sneaky on parents’ parts, but somehow they’ve managed to reinstate the curfew. Now they don’t just come out and tell you to leave, but they not-so-subtly imply that they have to get up early the next morning for work, so if you could wrap things up by 11pm, that would be super.
5. The late reveal
I once dated a guy who always came out to my apartment, and anytime I asked to go back to his, he’d say his roommates were jerks. One day, I finally cornered him about it (my apartment flooded, and we literally had nowhere else to go), and he admitted it as if he were admitting he had some horrible disease. He was suddenly so unattractive to me, not because he was still living with his parents, but because his shame reduced him to a little, whiney boy who was afraid of his mommy and daddy.
6. You evade the issue
Then sometimes you just try and deal with the situation by not dealing with it at all. I spent four months with a guy driving around all night, parking, and attempting to have sex in the back seat of his Jeep. I will admit, the first few times were exciting, but then it was just like, can we please go somewhere that doesn’t have windows on all sides??
7. You will get caught in the act
Image: Ally Hirschlag
It happened once. No clothes, horizontal on the couch. I still have PTSD from it, and to this day, I can’t think about the sheer and utter embarrassment I felt without tensing up.