6 Painful stages of watching your husband eat loud, crunchy foods

Mar 10, 2015 at 3:38 p.m. ET
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If you have ever had the horrible experience of listening to your husband eat pretzels. Or chips. Or yogurt. Or soup. And wanting to tear your ears off, you are not alone. It turns out that many women in long-term relationships are also driven crazy by the sounds of our spouses eating. And this doesn't make us horrible harpies. This makes us creative geniuses. True story.

A new study form Northwestern University explores the idea that being unable to tune out background noise might actually be a sign of creative genius. In fact, creative people like Charles Darwin, Anton Chekhov and novelist Marcel Proust were all easily distracted by noise. Which brings me to my husband. The eater of potato chips and pretzels and chocolate eggs that crunch in my ear. I love him more than anyone else on this planet. But his pretzel eating makes me want to punch him in the face. Hard.

Luckily, this doesn't mean I am a shite wife. It merely means I am a genius. Sadly, my husband doesn't quite get it. Luckily, I am not alone and a lot of other women feel this way. With that in mind, here are the six stages of listening to my husband open (and eat) a bag of pretzels:

Stage 1: I am going to be the cool wife.

I bought him these pretzels. He loves pretzels. They are his favorite. Isn't that sweet? It's totally fine. I'll just tune it out.

be cool

Image: giphy.com

Stage 2: Wow. He opens bags like a badger.

But no. It's still cool. I barely noticed it. Much. I mean. Maybe he could go into another room. Nope. I'll just sit here. Silent.

shaking horse

Image: giphy.com

Stage 3: OMG. How can one man make so much noise with his mouth?

We are only one pretzel in and I am already ready to kill him. Make it stop.

loud

Image: giphy.com

Stage 4: It's over. I tried. Make it stop.

For the love of all things holy, how did Satan get into his mouth?

no more

Image: giphy.com

Stage 5: Must. Stop. Him.

I tried. I failed.

stop

Stage 6: Never again.

Sorry, honey, but that was your last bag of pretzels. Hand them over and no one gets hurt.

no more

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