There’s finally scientific evidence to back up the hot guy/asshole correlation!
I’ve been saying this for years, but now I have much smarter, research-driven individuals supporting my theory. A new study declares that attractive men are more inclined to be selfish than their less-attractive male peers. Unfortunately this means our dream of finding the perfect man (i.e., attractive and kind) may be even more out of reach than we initially thought.
But how does one calculate such a personality trait in men? Initially I thought the researchers would just go on a bunch of dates with hot guys and measure their level of asshole on an assholameter (patent pending). Then I thought, that’s just silly. They could easily get all that info from asshole-inclined dating apps like Tinder. However, the psychologists at Brunel University in London had a much more methodical way of measuring asshole-ness (asshole-ity? asshole-ation?) in men — they used a measuring tape.
Just kidding. It was much more involved than that. Researchers took body measurements of 125 men and women, using a 3-D scanner that calculated things like waist-to-hip ratio, chest circumference and other body stats that denote slimness. Then they administered a personality test, which compared each test subject’s attitude against the common traits of selfishness and inequality. Finally there was an economics experiment — aka a test to see how each subject feels about having money and/or sharing it.
The results were overall in agreement with the hot guy = asshole equation (surprise, surprise). According to the paper’s investigator, Dr. Michael Price, “Our results showed that in fact we may be justified in expecting more attractive men to behave in ways that are less favorable to economic and social equality. The results suggest that better-looking men may be biased towards being more selfish and less egalitarian.”
I would say I told you so, but I already did.
But really, how qualified could a bunch of scientists be at determining who’s hot and who’s not? They spend most of their days staring at labs and charts! Well, thankfully because they’re brilliant, they thought of that before I did. They brought in a group of “raters” to determine each test subject’s “hotness” level. A second group rated how likely they were to hold up equality and fairness in their real lives. Again, it seemed like the most attractive would be the least evenhanded when push came to shove. Because obviously hot guys think they’re better than everyone around them.
However, there was an interesting twist in the experiment’s findings. Remember, the study was conducted with both hot men and women to keep things fair. Surprisingly, the attractive women were found to be no more selfish than the more average-looking women. This means that simply being attractive is not the key to being an asshole — you must also have a penis.
This notion of attractiveness being inextricably tied to social inequality has been around as long as man’s been on this earth. If you exhibit “attractive” traits, like physical strength and endurance, you are more likely to best others in competitions and thus less likely to compromise with those you consider to be beneath you. It’s the prime example of survival of the fittest. Being egalitarian doesn’t necessarily serve attractive people, who can get ahead using their own, naturally inherited power. However, that in turn gives them a serious superiority complex, which is a stone’s throw away from being an asshole. So it’s not always good if success comes too easily to you, especially if you also have testosterone coursing through your body.
So if you get a ton of attention because you’re “hot,” remember, that may be what reels people in, but it’s not what makes them stick around for the long haul. That would be your personality, and if all that’s under your chiseled exterior is an asshole, get ready for an empty life of one-night stands.