Your childhood best friend, your mum, that guy you worked with for three months back in 2005… They all clutter your Facebook newsfeed, and they all have the potential to make you question the state of humanity on a daily basis. Here are our top six reasons why we’re starting to hate every single one of them.
Are your posse’s updates annoying?
Your Facebook posse is a random and varied group, with close friends and relatives vying for status space against old classmates you wouldn’t recognise in real life and people from your past you’d literally cross the street to avoid. But, could Facebook actually be responsible for ruining your relationships in real life?
In short? Yes. Yes it could.
We know this to be true — Facebook is nothing if not a brazen homewrecker. News stories pop up every other week explaining the social media site’s role in yet another marriage breakdown, and new studies have even found a solid link between Facey and divorce rates.
I’m pretty sure my marriage isn’t in any danger of a Facebook-induced meltdown, but I’m not sure all of my friendships are so safe. The thing is, some of my “friends” are starting to really annoy me. Here are the top six reasons why:
There are only so many selfies I can tolerate before I start judging. Seriously, we get it. You’ve nailed that “look-up-and-face-the-camera-down-so-all-your-chins-disappear” angle. We see you in real life and we know you don’t always look like that. Enough with the selfies!
It would not be cool for my cousin to come to my house and show me photos of scantily-clothed women. Therefore, it’s not cool for him to share links on his Facebook page — and in the news feeds of all of our cousins, aunties and uncles — leading to photos of scantily-clothed women. It’s super gross, Jim, and you’re 42. Ew.
They constantly backdoor brag
I was first introduced to the art of the backdoor brag a few years ago by Jenna on 30 Rock, and it seems like it’s become one of the core functions of Facebook. It’s just so cheesy! “Trust me to get seasick on Kerry Packer’s yacht! #boatfail.” “Can’t believe I’m too full for dessert at [insert fancy restaurant name].” “I’m so nervous to speak in front of 300 people tomorrow as the only Australian invited guest of [someone who is a big deal]. Wish me luck!”
Ever read someone’s status on Facebook, and you suddenly realise they’re homophobic/racist/sexist/entitled/arrogant/have no tolerance for anyone else who doesn’t share their exact same opinion or viewpoint? Yeah, me too. It’s mildly irritating, unless it’s someone I previously admired and I discover they’re a Scientologist; then I get really down. Unfriend.
They pretend everything is juuuuust perfect
I had coffee with my friend Jen last Friday, where we spent the lion’s share of the afternoon discussing her marriage. I feel really bad for Jen; her controlling, self-involved husband is not only a bit of an idiot, he’s also possibly having an affair. So when I saw Jen’s status on Sunday, I sighed. “Best hubby ever!! Love you babe xx,” she posted, next to a glorious rose bouquet. Cue dozens of empty likes and messages of, “Aw, you guys!” They don’t have to share their marital woes, by why share false grand gestures of love? #inauthentic
They terrify the living crap out of you
My friend got bitten by a spider. Within 30 minutes of posting all the exciting details on Facey, her “friends” had convinced her she was dying. Well, almost. “I had FB friends put the fear of God in me with horror stories, telling me about people who have been in hospital for nine months with spider bites!” she explains. “I raced to the doctor and all was fine; I was given a course of antibiotics and told to keep my foot elevated. I’d made myself sick worrying about the other stuff thanks to my crappy Facebook friends. Gah! Never again.”