A perfect body doesn't equal perfect sex

Jan 24, 2015 at 11:29 a.m. ET

As I clicked my tall glass of bubbly this New Year's Eve, I toasted the disappearing antiquated views of sex. The new, modern, most satisfying sex we have seen is what’s being ushered in, and it will ring true for every body.

Yes, every body; the word separation is intentional.

Perfection does not equal great sex. No matter how many times we hear or read this, it does not seem to settle into our conscious minds. Branded into our cerebrum is the notion that you need all parts of your body in perfect working order with levels of self-esteem nearing 100 percent to have great sex. Through avid reading of magazines like Cosmopolitan, we have come to accept the minor blunders and faux pas that can occur during sex. But a truly radical shift in our society's concept of great sex has yet to occur, leaving the majority of us believing we can only have mediocre sex, feeling bad about our ability to perform or believing that we are not capable of having intercourse, period.

The museum

Strolling through the Museum of Sex in Manhattan one Saturday afternoon, I found myself between two particular exhibits. Playboy centerfolds from past to present captured my attention because, out of the many, there was a single woman in a wheelchair. Across the room, there was an exhibit on Kink sex, showing a wide range of unconventional sexual practices and fetishes, which could be described by some as bizarre and even disturbing. I wondered, "Can't good sex be somewhere in the middle?"

My erotic trip to the museum that day reinforced the dichotomous way that America views sex. On the one end is the traditional form that we see in the media: physically vigorous, cookie-cutter sex, involving individuals taken from the centerfolds of Playboy or the covers of GQ. On the other end of the spectrum, we have sex that is viewed as kinky, out-of-the-ordinary and underground. But what about that sweet spot somewhere in the middle where people of all shapes, sizes and abilities can participate fully and "outside the box" without judgment and self-consciousness? Now that is sex worth talking about, and achieving it can make Woody Allen's comment that "sex is the biggest nothing of all time" null and void.

Forget imperfections

Forget your "imperfections." Not to worry if your nipples are not perfectly aligned or that you may not have the muscle strength to contort your body in many different positions. Put your best feature forward, baby! Whether it be a great booty or too-sexy hair, identify the parts of your body that you love and display them full-frontal.

Be creative to use your body in ways that are comfortable and fun. Use the parts of your body that are the most sensational, meaning where the most intense feelings are focused, or that have the strongest muscles. Putting this in perspective, if you don't need a penis and vagina, then you do not need two perfectly working bodies to have great sex. Utilize all five senses or even just one. A colleague of mine described an episode where sneaking away from a party for some passionate kissing led to an unforgettable hot moment.

Insert erotica into activities that you never thought could be sexy. Maybe it's making love when you are doing the laundry. Or, inspired by a movie I just screened about a woman with cerebral palsy, maybe it is the moment when you are on the toilet and you need the help of your hot boyfriend to pull up your panties. I ask, when people are getting wrapped up in twine and faux-roasted on a spit, as demonstrated in the Kink exhibit, why is it still considered "not sexy" and "embarrassing" when a partner has to help you put your clothes back on after sex? In fact, this very activity of helping a partner, who is unable, to get dressed after sex (an activity that is cast out from either of the dichotomous categories of sex), can actually lead to another round of intense love-making.

Listen and communicate

Finally, communicate withand listen to your partner, as neither one of you are mind readers. Explain what you need without hesitation, whether it is to touch you a little bit more to the right or to move your legs around his hips. As humans, it is easy to assume. Ask what would make them happy, and do not assume it is porno-style sex when it may be that they want you simply to blow and whisper in their ear.

The beauty of this new "position" on sex is that it takes away the need to have a perfect body in complete working order, as well as the harsh criticism, both internally and from others, when we uniquely blend together the dichotomous views of sex. We can make sex what we need it and want it to be, limitless, with no physical boundaries.

As my colleague elaborated, "Great sex is about taking me to another level, a level which I may not have known even existed." This new great sex transcends rigid categories, body types and societal stigmas. Here's hoping that this concept finally settles into the broader consciousness and becomes a fertile territory in the new sexscape of 2015.

Image: Ang Sherpa via Flickr