So there’s this thing you should know about. It’s a very bad thing, and when you see it, your eyes may never function the same way again.
In case you’re still wondering what the hell you just saw, that is in fact a real, purchasable full-crotch condom. It even gets up in your butt. No intimate region stays unmarred by its latex horrors.
Imagine returning from a romantic evening with a potential new lover. The mood is right, and he smells faintly of aftershave. As you move your activities to the bedroom, he extracts himself from his permanent-press slacks, and you are face-to-face with a wall of latex, his junk tucked behind like a curious child smushing their face up to a window.
This is the sort of experience Scroguard encourages. We’re not sure what we as humans did to deserve this, but we do have a few important questions about the product.
1. When is the best time to put on Scroguard to minimize the risk of scaring away your mate?
The infomercial/computer-generated nightmarescape says you can strap yourself in hours before an encounter, which could give you the opportunity to mention suggestively to your mate over the dinner table that you are wearing a latex penis shield. While that sounds swell, things could get a bit sweaty in the meantime.
On the other hand, it’s really hard to pinpoint a moment to slip one on before you slip it in. Do you excuse yourself to the bathroom and return, sheathed? Do you try to just do it when you put on the condom? Surprise! You’re having sex with what feels like a child’s place mat. Hope that’s not a problem, ma’am.
2. The infomercial states it can be either thrown away or washed. Please explain why and how to wash a latex man panty.
“Me and my Scroguard, we’ve been through a lot. Don’t worry. I always give ’em the old Lysol rubdown after a good roll.”
3. Where do the berries go?
We’re not anatomists or anything, but testicles seem to like to hang free. Is there a little pouch where they can be stowed, or do they just need to find a nice crevice to rest in until it’s all over?
4. Doesn’t it get… slippery?
Between sweat and normal bodily functions, it seems like sex with a Scroguard on would quickly become the Slip ‘n’ Slide ride from hell.
5. Why is this product only for men?
We demand a Vulguard. In flavors.
6. Do you wear it in lieu of underwear or…?
Presumably, if you didn’t have the money for a Scroguard, you could just poke the soldier out of your skivvies and get about the same result. So wearing both a latex crotch condom and a regular pair of unders seems redundant, no? Maybe it’s just for looks, like when you open an expensive package only to find another box you have to open. Fancy! It’s all about the showmanship. Well played, Scroguard.
If you have any questions about Scroguard, you can visit their (actual, real, not made-up) website. You’d better hurry, as this is bound to be the hot gift this holiday.
UPDATE: The makers of Scroguard have responded! Scroll down to the comments for their actual answers to our questions. We feel a little better now.