First dates, like roller coasters, are only fun when you’re between the ages of 13 and 19.
From 20 on up, they’re a strange mixture of nausea and existentialism. “Why am I doing this thing again? And why do I want to hurl?” Good questions, all of ’em.
Of course, we do it for a shot at love — but that doesn’t mean that true love is without awkwardness, jitters and social ineptitude. Please tell me I’m not alone in these first date reactions.
1. The jitters
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Will he like me? Am I funny and do I have decent ankles? Omigod, I hope he likes me and I hate that I feel like a teenager.
2. The unrealistic expectations
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What if he’s The One? What if he’s totally dreamy and wild and whisks me away for an adventure, and buys the whole meal and possibly fronts my bills for a month? But, like, in a chivalrous and non-creepy way? What if he’s The One??
3. The moment of truth
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OK, here he comes. It’s time. He’s not entirely unattractive. Dear mother of God, what should I say? And do I greet him with a handshake or a hug? Get it together, girl, this isn’t a business meeting.
4. The enormous letdown
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His eyes are too close together, he has girl hands and he’s boring. Dang it, I knew I should have watched Netflix and worn granny panties. Night=wasted.
5. The salvage
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As long as I’m here, I might as well make the most of it. Yep, I’ll have another round of queso and margaritas, since good impressions are out the window.
6. The glimmer of hope
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Hang on a second, he laughed at my queso joke. And he seems like he might actually be listening to my bizarre rantings. Maybe I was unfair — his hands aren’t that effeminate and I can probably get past the placement of his eyes. Yeah, yeah, I really like how well he listens.
7. The long goodbye
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Ugh, here comes the most confusing part. The long freakin’ walk to the car. Is he going to go for the hug? The kiss? What do I even want? And how do I manage the weird dance if we go for the opposite move? Ack — I guess we’re going for the kiss. OK, this isn’t terrible.
8. The debriefing
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I think I kinda like him. Do I call, or does he call? No, don’t call or text or you’ll seem desperate. Better call the bestie and tell her about his weird hands.