Whether you’ve dabbled on Tinder or lied about dabbling on Tinder (the only two real options, really,) chances are you’ve had one or all of these thoughts run across your mind.
“Please be the guy in the middle, please be the… dammit.”
If you come upon a group photo and you’re hoping it’s one guy, and you scroll to his second photo, it will never be him. This is the online equivalent of smiling at a cute guy across the room and the weirdo right behind him taking it as a hint to come talk to you.
“Oh wow you love to drink; look at you.”
There must be some blog or secret scroll that is telling men on these dating sites to above all else, use their few photo opportunities to showcase just how many drinks they can hold in one hand, how massive of a container they have drunk out of or how many bros they can gather in one shot toasting cheap beers.
“Does his shirt say what I think it says?”
New scientific research I’ve conducted in my own free time says that men with inappropriate or fratty graphic T-shirts are 10 times more likely to flock to dating apps. Even worse, you can bet your rent that they chose that picture thinking, “Nailed it,” which is also what was written on their shirt.
“He seems nice and norm… ugh, fedora.”
This type of male selection makes you find yourself wondering whether you’d rather date a man in a fedora or a trucker hat. And then you realize that it has not come to this so you delete Tinder and throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
“Working hard and playing harder? Impressive.”
While I’ve heard that women are also very guilty of using cliché quotes in their profiles (“Live Laugh Love,” anyone?), I would argue that no Marilyn Monroe quote could be as bad as a guy claiming that his apartment smells of rich mahogany or exclaiming, “KCCO!”
“Huh. I had no idea that was a real name.”
Tinder has taught me so many new names I never knew, as well as some ridiculous spelling alternatives. Maybe when we all finally grow tired of this sucker, it can just be a baby name resource for expecting mothers.
“Are we experiencing a shirtless epidemic?
Do these men need our help?”
I’m thinking of starting a non-profit called Shirts for the Shirtless or Blankets for Bros or Treasure Your Chest, so that guys everywhere can remember that this app is not the beach, so there’s no need to go topless. Plus, if you reveal to us now that you do CrossFit, what in the world will you talk about on our first date?
“These poor sedated tigers. They would be so mad if
they knew they were part of a big internet joke now.”
Listen, I’m a dog person, but I’m starting to feel really sorry for all of these big cats being exploited for a photo opp. I started an album called Tinder Tigers and before I quit, I had over 40 screenshots of men posing with passed out tigers. Yay, America.
“Aaaaand that’s a birth announcement picture.
Or a wedding announcement. Or both.”
When I first started checking out Tinder, I came upon the saddest photo ever. It was three pairs of shoes: his, hers and baby booties. Sir, check your profile to see what pics got imported from Facebook. Oh and get off Tinder. You’re a monster.
You know a guy is taking dating seriously when he uses the one space he has to tell you something about himself and it has more typos than your fifth grade book report. Also an alarming shortcut that I’ve seen men use is “n” instead of “and.” Try a complete sentence instead n leave the slang for your brilliant text messages.
“No. Absolutely not.“
I’m not trying to be unkind, but the stuff that people put up is appalling. I have yelled, “No!” out loud many times before. It is truly a land mine of weirdos sprinkled in with a few normal, nice people.
“Carrie, come look at this, OMG.”
And here, is the #1 thought we all have when we play Tinder. And yes I use the verb ‘play’ on purpose because it’s first and foremost a game. And it’s not fun in spite of these crazy quirks, it’s fun because of them. Don’t change, Tinder. We’re all still clearly playing along.