Male life coach answers women's biggest relationship questions for dudes

Apr 8, 2014 at 8:00 a.m. ET

The good news for women is that the way men think is often much simpler than they might have originally thought.

Woman asking question
Photo credit: Tetra Images/Getty Images

After coaching and working with hundreds of men and women dealing with relationship issues, some significant differences in the way the sexes have interpreted information have become crystal clear.

Remember, these answers don’t make them right or wrong as it relates to you or what you look for in a man. They are offered to give you a peek into how the male brain works for a majority of them, but certainly not every one of them.

"What are men most attracted to in a woman?"

Many men have a lot of insecurities in general about being good enough. A kind, outgoing personality directed towards them can immediately take those insecurities away and as a result increase their attraction tenfold. This type of personality gives a man breathing room to be more authentic, forthright and themselves.

Sexual confidence in a woman is also attractive because it sends every bell and whistle off in a man’s brain. This doesn’t mean a woman should act overly sexual. This is about a confidence a woman carries and being able to exude a certain sexual energy in a classy way.

"What are your biggest fears or insecurities as it relates to your relationship with your partner?"

One major insecurity men have is not being able to be the provider in the relationship. This is where many men get a very big part of their sense of self. In order to help alleviate this fear, men in general want to feel like they are accepted and respected by their partner regardless of their financial situation. Just like pop culture can put huge pressure on women to look a certain way, it also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on men to demonstrate they can provide in a certain way.

A second insecurity is not being good enough sexually. A big part of a man’s identity is found in knowing he pleases his partner sexually. Most, however, need to be told how. Always start by saying something like, “You know what would really feel good to me…” It’s about creating a fun, open dialogue where each person finds satisfaction and is made to feel secure in their part of the experience.

A third insecurity is not being desired or wanted. Men want to be desired as much as women do. They want to know that their significant other is attracted to them and dedicated to staying together. Fears of this not happening can cause many men to withhold how they really feel in a sense of self-protection. It can cause them to be critical and condescending or it can cause them to be overly needy, jealous and stifling. Insecurity is a breeding ground for a lot of their needful or negative energy and behavior.

"Why is it so hard for most men to express their feelings?"

Raw emotional feelings are a sign of weakness to many men. This archetype or identity runs deep and when men feel insecure in the relationship their emotional wall can actually go up higher. This pent up emotion and concern can then end up coming out sideways as negative comments or just plain disconnect and avoidance.

What can help foster a more open and authentic dialogue is a secure, non-judgmental partner who provides them with a sense of trust or a safety zone to be able to offer how they really feel at the core. Many men want to share more of their feelings but just need that extra bit of confidence that their vulnerability is not going to be used against them.

More relationship advice

The confusing moment when your ex-boyfriend asks you out
Betcha didn't know men look for this trait in women
How to create magnetic attraction