When sex starts to feel like another item on our to-do list
Recently a friend was venting to me about her husband's nonstop, daily hints about sex. She works, she's a college student and she spends most of her days burning the candle at both ends. So when her husband started texting her (yes, texting) with things like, "Wanna have sex between school and work?" it started to really annoy her. Worse than that, sex began to feel like a chore.
Mothers of small children can relate. You are so damn tired from playing "step and fetch" for small people who can't care for themselves that when another adult comes to you with what they need from you, sometimes you just want to shout, "Get off me!"
As with so many other things, it all boils down to communication. If I could travel the country and host "How to get laid more" seminars for guys, here is what I would say. Help. Just help us. We aren't asking to be rescued and we're not asking for help out of a lack of ability, we are just saying until there are 34 hours instead of 24 hours in the day, please help us.
About this columnist:
You know how one minute you're in a happy and fulfilling marriage and the next you find out that your husband of 20 years has been cheating on you with someone 10 years younger? Well I do. I went from country club wife and mother of high school students to a single, 39-year-old “cougar.” In this weekly feature, I will share with you all the mind-boggling, head-scratching, is-this-someone's-idea-of-a-joke moments from my so-called single life. Consider this your private invitation to my tremendous learning curve…
Society isn't helping
Everywhere women look, we are bombarded with stories and images of how to harness our inner sex goddess. We see a headline screaming, "Perform the kind of oral sex that will make your guy forget other women exist" and think "Wow. I was just hoping to get a shower today so I can get the crusty oatmeal out of my hair that my toddler threw at me."
The feminist movement, for all the wrongs it righted, has backfired to a degree when it comes to the subtle nuances between men and women. This is definitely one of them. All we were trying to say is, "Hey I like sex too" and "I'm as capable as you are." What we were saying, and what men heard, are two different things.
We are as capable as a man, but that we are still one person. We need help (just as they do). We're capable of doing it all, but if you literally leave us to do it all, we will be too tired for sex.
What we should have said is, "I'll help you pad the checking account during the day if you help me with the mounds of dirty laundry at night," or "I'll take care of the babies and the house and all other domestic duties so you can focus on your career if you'll read the kids a story at bedtime."
How to talk to your guy about it
If you need to broach this delicate subject with your mate, be mindful of the male ego and don't criticize. A simple, "I love you, I love having sex with you, but I'm tired — would you mind making dinner, bathing the kids, giving me a night off with a backrub and a glass of wine (insert your aphrodisiac here)?" should do the trick.
Be patient and be prepared to repeat yourself because if two decades of marriage has been any sort of teacher, I can tell you that it's going to take a while for your guy's penis to get the hint. If you stick with it, pretty soon your guy will learn that a helping hand and a kind gesture equal sex.