Breaking up is one of the hardest things in the world. You spent so much time, love and effort on someone and to have them be gone is as bad as withdrawing from a drug.
Your life axis gets turned upside down and it is difficult to know who you are after such a profound loss.
Many of us in this type of pain will do anything to avoid it and make fatal mistakes which may eliminate the acute hurt but it puts us on the chronic drip hurt which in the end is more damaging to our self-esteem and self-respect.
Mistake one: Staying friends
Trying to stay friends with our ex in an effort to avoid their complete absence is a common mistake. We convince ourselves we can do it and that being friends with them is better than nothing, especially if we were dumped. The dumper will usually go for the friend situation as a way to avoid feeling guilt for having destroyed your life.
It feels unnatural to cut someone off that you loved but as long as you are still emotionally in love with your ex, being friends will not work. You will spend endless time in your head over-analyzing everything they say and do looking for signs wondering what they mean and if they will be coming back or if they have someone else. This is torture and it doesn’t allow you the space to truly heal. You will constantly be living in the relationship on their terms, giving up your power, self-worth and dignity.
Mistake two: Trying to get your ex back
When your ex breaks up with you, they expect one thing. They expect you to fall to pieces. They wait in anticipation for you to cry, beg, plead, text a zillion times, send letters and emails, find reasons for contact and for you to act irrationally and out of control. They expect to hear you can’t live without them and for you to not be able to move on which only allows more rejection to come your way. When you act crazy like this, the rejection will be even harsher as now they have lost respect for you and you for yourself.
Mistake three: Sexing the ex
Yes, the sex was great and often times it is a huge part of the relationship we miss. However, what we really miss is the oxytocin high caused by the sex. If we make ourselves available for sex, then we allow ourselves to be used and abused because for the ex it will just be sex and nothing else and they are probably getting it elsewhere as well.
The remedy: Steal their thunder
Remain calm, emotionally in control, accept the breakup and quietly move on. This will unnerve your ex. When you drop out of sight without the drama show, you become mysterious and respectable. Remember, your ex isn’t the only right person for you in the world. You will be able to move on and be happy without them. When you do this, you let your ex know that you have no time for a person who treats you like a revolving door and you will not only earn their respect but you will gain it for yourself by the bucket full. Things will come full circle when you allow someone to experience the true consequences of their decision.
Little life message: Love yourself enough to move on and set your ex free because in doing this you set yourself free.
You can buy Dr. Sherrie’s book Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being your Own Person on Amazon.