16 Amazon reviews that are pure comic genius

by Molly Ade
Aug 10, 2016 at 9:00 p.m. ET

Amazon is the Holy Grail of online shopping. Where else can you buy a blow-up flamingo pool raft and a gently used car muffler in one fell swoop? To keep its esteemed status, Amazon users rely heavily on detailed, accurate reviews from other Amazon users to make sure they're getting their money's worth on a product. Well, most of the time.

Every so often there comes a product too ridiculous, or just too easy, not to poke fun at, which is exactly what these hilarious Amazon users did. Let's face it, sometimes the best part of Amazon is the review section. So dive in. 

1 /16: Wrong angle

1/16 :Wrong angle

I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.

Jim Anderson

2 /16: Witness protection

2/16 :Witness protection

When I turned State's Witness, they didn't have enough money to put me in the Witness Protection Program, so they bought me this mask and gave me a list of suggested places to move. Since then I've lived my life in peace and safety knowing that my old identity is forever obscured by this life-saving item.

John Neal

3 /16: Not appropriate for dressage!

3/16 :Not appropriate for dressage!

Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle. Western Daddle riders hold the reins with one hand, and sit the trot. The pommel or horn on this Daddle is meant to hold a lariat which is useful when roping cattle or other competing or unruly fathers.

Wandrwoman

4 /16: Like the maze game!

4/16 :Like the maze game!

This is so COOL!!!

I balance a ball on mine and try to keep it from rolling off the edge while driving by tilting the wheel back and forth and using the gas and brake. I must do this well as everyone around me honks with encouragement.

Balancer

5 /16: Shoddy craftsmanship

5/16 :Shoddy craftsmanship

Maybe it's just my women, but they don't seem to want to fit into the space I've designated for them in this binder. They keep sticking out over the edges, even getting away in some cases. I thought using clear, glass-ceiling page protectors would help, but it doesn't seem to slow them down anymore.

I'm going to have to resort to more severe three-hole punching, to keep my women in line. And maybe switch to the Trap Her, Keep Her.

Sabriel, referencing Mitt Romney's 2012 "binders full of women" comment

6 /16: Perfection in a tube

6/16 :Perfection in a tube

My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from "_________!" to "__________!!!". You've never seen people so excited.

M. Taylor

7 /16: Quoth the cereal, hearty pour

7/16 :Quoth the cereal, hearty pour

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door —
Only this, and nothing more...

Edgar

Trust us, you'll want to read his full review.

8 /16: Unadvertised bonus features

8/16 :Unadvertised bonus features

Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I'm impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.

MuchYeti

9 /16: Tale of dramatic blogging

9/16 :Tale of dramatic blogging

The power was out.

It was dark.

I'd just moved into a new flat, and the route from sofa to pantry was convoluted, perilous, strewn with boxes. And laundry. And Coffee Crisp wrappers. And stiff socks. (All right. I'd been there three weeks, maybe a month, but who has time to unpack, between "Seinfeld" and "Frasier" and "Law and Order?")

The powercut wore on, into the night. The vague, pleasant burn of hunger that'd begun around prime time was a full-fledged conflagration, by the "Tonight" show. If I couldn't reach the pantry soon, I would die, simply DIE!

So I put on my Party Rats, and did some night blogging. (On my iPod, which doesn't hold a charge as well as it did--but it'll get me through the odd crisis of electricity.)

At any rate, I blogged my heart out. I blogged of the powercut, of my hunger, of my loneliness, and my desperation. I blogged of the misery of a night without Leno. I put out a plea: bring me food! Bring me water!

Nobody did, but the glow of my Party Rats revealed half a bag of Cheetos wedged between the cushions. I ate them. I didn't die.


Thank you, Party Rats. <3 <3 <3

Socar Myles

10 /16: TOO informative

10/16 :TOO informative

Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.

Dan

11 /16: Highly effective color scheme

11/16 :Highly effective color scheme

As a female-bodied person, I often have trouble finding the tools that are right for me. Because I have a vagina, I have found that when it comes to purchasing tools, whether they are pink or not actually affects the quality of the work I do. I used a red set once--sweet Jesus, there was no comparison. Pink and only pink for me. This is the pinkest drill I have found to date, and as such it has my full endorsement.

If you, like me, have trouble finding tools that are pink enough to be effective--look no further. These tools are pink enough for the trickiest home improvement job. Do not waste your precious tool use on implements that are not pink. These tools are the correct color for my gender and I give them my wholehearted endorsement.

dragonlady

12 /16: Sloppy execution

12/16 :Sloppy execution

The book is a promising reference concept, but the execution is somewhat sloppy. Whatever generator they used was not fully tested. The bulk of each page seems random enough. However at the lower left and lower right of alternate pages, the number is found to increment directly.

McGroarty

13 /16: Potential scam

13/16 :Potential scam

I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis.

Cyphis

14 /16: Not safe for kids

14/16 :Not safe for kids

There I was, rockin' my new duds, when I needed to scratch my stomach. Little did I know that the itch was merely the wolves getting my attention. They needed to be fed. Of course, being new to the shirt, I didn't realize what would happen next. I lost three fingers (one to each wolf) when I scratched. While it was painful, it was my fault for not feeding these majestic carnivores. The great news is that, due to the magical restorative powers of the shirt, my fingers quickly grew back.

Due the dangerous nature of the shirt, I do not allow my children to hug me when I wear this shirt. Since I wear the shirt every single day of the week (even when showering), it is causing a minor amount of [emotional] trauma to my hug-starved children. However, they understand the powers of the shirt, and know that it is not a shirt that simply goes in a closet. They now respect the shirt and have taken to hugging my legs instead.

–Hongsung2001

15 /16: The manly man's man-watch

15/16 :The manly man's man-watch

The Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch or Z.M.D.X.T.B.T.C.M. as I like to call it, is by far the most awesome watch. Chuck Norris riding into the Super Bowl on the back of Godzilla and round house kicking the crowd is no where near as awesome as this priceless chick magnet. When I was just moments from sending my $100k to some needy neo-hippie help group, I stumbled onto this gem. It was like the heavens opened and Jesus himself appeared with this same watch on. I mean how can you not follow Jesus when he's rocking a watch of this caliber. So I asked "What would Jesus do?" Jesus pimp smacked me and said "Forget those hippies, buy the watch!" I was like "HECK YEAH." I busted out my Discover card and bought this rocking piece of art. I mean its art but its also practical too. Like when I take my summer trips to the Marianas Trench, I have no more worries that I am going to miss Tea Time back on the yacht, because water ruined my watch again. It can withstand the immense pressures of the deep due to the wicked awesome titanium. Deep seas, cant beat this. Bullets cant beat this. Heck, I can deflect cruise missiles and the apocalypse. With a watch like this you don't need to tell time, you tell people what time it is.

Jon McAwesome

16 /16: Ideal for a variety of feminine writing tasks

16/16 :Ideal for a variety of feminine writing tasks

I love BIC Cristal for Her! The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors make it perfect for writing recipe cards, checks to my psychologist (I'm seeing him for a case of the hysterics), and tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!

E. Bradley