For moms, it does seem like a cute baby is the ultimate cloaking device. All the attention you once received during your pregnancy is suddenly diverted to your adorable tot and you just recede into the background.
While some moms are content to fade into the scenery, they mistakenly imagine themselves as invisible, and therefore free to commit all sorts of fashion crimes. Others panic and crank it up several notches in an effort to compete for attention. Either way, the results aren’t pretty to witness.
Here are the top 10 crimes of fashion:
Your body may be a temple, but her body is a walking shrine to her offspring. What most people reserve for their kitchen fridge pinned by magnets, she adorns herself with all things kid-centric. T-shirts emblazoned with her kids’ pictures, the ugly macaroni necklace her daughter made in camp, the prom photo key chains – you name it, she’s wearing it, all at the same time. Of course, she’s the mom with the license plate frame that says, Happiness is being ____’s mommy or My Kid is an Honor Student at _____ School. We get it. You love your kids. You also look like a crazy person and we’re glad you’re not our mom.
If your zipper length is longer than your forearm and your back pockets are bigger than your baby’s head, you’re wearing the dreaded mom jeans. Trust me, mom jeans flatter nobody… in fact, they’re a denim disaster! Their only benefit is that they amply cover your assets (all the way up to your ribs) when you bend over, effectively avoiding the next dreaded fashion faux pas…
Showing the world your coin slot every time you sit down or bend over to attend to your children is a definite downside to wearing low-rise jeans. If wearing mid-rise jeans isn’t an option, wearing a long shirt or giving your pants a good hitch before sitting down is a way to keep your junk in your trunk. Remember kids, crack is whack.
Baggy clothes may hide a multitude of sins, but they also create some new ones as well. Schlepping around in baggy sweats and your husband’s college sweatshirt may be comfy, but the Michelin Man shouldn’t be your fashion icon.
This mom possibly suffers from reverse anorexia – she thinks she’s thinner and hotter than she really is. Or, she’s been reading “The Secret,” and mistakenly believes that pretending she’s the size she wishes she were will turn fantasy into reality. That New Age Jedi mind trick does not apply to fashion. Pasty belly flab spilling out over too-tight jeans does not make you look svelte … or sane. Dress for the size you are at any moment in time — not the one you will be if you drop “the last few pounds.”
Dressing like your child at any age isn’t cute, it’s downright disturbing. From matching overalls and Crocs at toddlerhood (OshKosh, omigosh!), to matching mini skirts during the teen years, this mom has lost her identity to motherhood.
If you’re shopping at Forever 21 and having hot flashes, you need to rethink your wardrobe. You’re not fooling anybody into thinking you’re younger than your years. Dressing age-appropriately doesn’t mean being frumpy, but it does mean having some dignity and self-awareness.
This mom likes to work out and show off the fruits of her sweaty labor in tight Lycra pants. But instead of changing after Pilates or Power Yoga, she stays in her workout gear all day. Unfortunately, damp spandex leaves little to the imagination and sporting a camel’s toe only highlights a body part that should stay between her Ob-Gyn and her bikini waxer.
Maybe the cruelest thing about pregnancy is that your feet grow as well (and stay that way), rendering a closet full of cute shoes useless. If your toes are hooking over the end of your shoe like a bird of prey, it’s time to admit that you wear the next size up.
Babies and toddlers may consider you a human hankie, but even hankies are meant to be washed. Messy moments tend to happen when you’re out and about, and most moms neglect to pack a change of clothes for themselves in the diaper bag. But just like there’s a mythical five-second rule for food to be considered okay to eat once it’s hit the ground, there should be a five-hour time limit rule for food-stained clothing.
Ironically, most of these mom perps already perform community service in schools, which is punishment enough for almost any crime, so there’s really no motivation for many to mend their ways. But I can no longer stand by and be a silent witness any longer to good moms dressing badly.