I have written out a transcript of last night’s first presidential debate for those of you who missed it. It is 100 percent accurate and unbiased, except for most of it.
Moderator, Lester Holt: Good evening. I’m Lester Holt, and I am probably screwed no matter what tonight. I’d like to ask the audience to refrain from cheering, booing, spitting or making any other noises whatsoever. I’m looking at you, Tiffany Trump.
First question. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to put money back into the pockets of American workers?
Hillary Clinton: Here are all the places I want to invest in, some of the changes I want to make and how we’re going to do it.
Donald Trump: We have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us and stop companies from leaving and firing all their workers. My plan is to cut taxes. It’s going to be beautiful.
HC: Donald’s tax plan would be the most extreme version of trickle-down economics. I call it “Trumped-up Trickle-down” economics. Good one, right? No? OK.
MOD: How would you bring companies back to the United States?
DT: You don’t let them leave in the first place. Boom! That’s a time travel burn.
HC: Did you know that Donald thinks climate change is a fraud created by the Chinese?
Bloated Bag of Lies: (interrupts) I did not, I did not do that, I did not. Hillary supported TPP and only changed her mind after she heard me talking about what a bad deal it is. I am a god who controls the tides.
HC: Well, I know you live in your own reality, Donald…
If a Prolapsed Anus Were Sentient: You have no plan.
HC: I’ve written a book about it.
DT: That’s all you’ve done!
MOD: I’m losing control, and I need an adult.
HC: I have a feeling by the end of this debate I’m going to be blamed for everything.
The Toothbrush in Your Halloween Candy: Hey, why not?
HC: Yes, why not? Just fill in the blanks by spewing more of your crazy shit. Pew pew pew. That’s you. Spewing shit.
MOD: Hey Mr. Trump. Tax returns, much?
DT: Audit, though.
MOD: The IRS says it’s OK.
DT: But… audit, though. I’ll tell you what — I’ll release my taxes when she releases her 30,000 emails.
MOD: So it’s negotiable, then?
DT: Who said that?
HC: Trump doesn’t pay taxes.
DT: That makes me smart. Who said that?
MOD: What about our crumbling infrastructure?
DT: LaGuardia is a shitty airport.
[Writer’s note: He is 100 percent right on this.]
HC: Maybe we have a shitty infrastructure because you haven’t paid any federal income tax.
Satan’s Plaything: That’s because the government would squander it. Who said that?
MOD: Let’s move on to race. [America: “Oh, shitballs.”] How would you heal the racial divide in this country?
HC: Race still is a significant divide in our country. We have to restore trust between communities and police officers, and our police must be trained about proper use of force. I have a plan for criminal justice reform.
DT: There are a couple of words that Hillary Clinton doesn’t want to use here. [Oh Jesus, no] Law… and order. [Whew!] Our inner cities — and by that, I of course mean African-Americans and Hispanics — are living in hell. You walk down the street, you get shot. We have armed gangs of illegal immigrants roaming the streets. But you know what’ll help? A little stop-and-frisk.
MOD: Stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York.
DT: Nope. Wrong. It went before an against-police judge.
[Hillary Clinton’s eyebrows jump out of their seats.]
MOD: The argument is that it’s racial profiling.
DT: Wrong, the argument is that we need to take the guns away from criminals. And we know who the criminals are because — oh, wait a second… I think I get it now.
MOD: Do you believe that police are implicitly biased against black people?
HC: I think we all struggle with implicit biases. But in policing that can have lethal consequences.
When Someone Vomits Next to You at the Beginning of a Six-hour Flight: The African-American community has been let down by politicians. In fact, I just left some of these communities recently. You decided to stay home, and that’s OK.
HC: I think Donald just went after me for preparing for this debate. I did. I also prepared to be president. And yes, I prepared that sick burn.
MOD: Let’s talk Birther. What made you pretend to change your mind, Mr. Trump?
DT: The Clinton campaign started it, and I’m the one who got him to release the birth certificate, because I’m a winner. Now I’m satisfied with it, so we can move on.
MOD: Buuuuuuuuut what do you say to people of color —
DT: I say nothing. Black people love me.
[1 percent of black people: “It’s true!”]
MOD: Mr. Trump, you supported the war in Iraq —
Week-old Shellfish: Nope. Wrong. That was the mainstream media.
MOD: The record shows otherwise.
DT: No, it doesn’t. Why doesn’t anybody call Sean Hannity about this? Somebody, go call Sean Hannity.
MOD: Why is your judgment better than Secretary Clinton’s?
DT: I have much better judgment. I also have a much better temperament than she does.
[The audience laughs and laughs at Mr. Trump’s wonderful sense of humor.]
HC: Hoo-wee. OK. Let’s not forget that Donald said he’d blow boats out of the water if they made rude gestures to our sailors, which would start another war.
Putin’s Wet Dream: Please, that wouldn’t start another war. Presidents blow up boats all the time. It’s what they do, right? No? OK.
MOD: You said that Hillary Clinton doesn’t have “a presidential look.” What did you mean by that?
DT: She doesn’t have the look. She doesn’t have the stamina. And by “stamina,” I of course mean “penis.”
HC: As soon as he travels to 112 countries and negotiates peace deals or spends 11 hours testifying in front of a congressional committee, then he can talk to me about stamina. And by the way, he tried to change the subject from looks to stamina, but he has said some horrible things about women’s looks.
The Middle Stall of a Public Bathroom: Only Rosie O’ Donnell, and everyone agrees with me, and she deserves it. America wants a president who holds a nasty, appearance-based public grudge against a comedian and former talk show host. Trust me.
MOD: Final question. Will you accept the final outcome of this election as the will of the voters?
HC: Yes. I support our democracy.
Friend of Steve Bannon: I want to make America great again. If she wins, I will absolutely support her. P.S.: I hold the right to deny having said this later depending on what actually happens.