Books, newspapers, magazines, websites — a whole publishing industry is built on the backs of women’s bodies. So of course it’s very important to know how to write a factual, interesting headline about women. To help you, we’ve come up with an eight-step primer on how to talk about us broads.
Step 1: Forget what we said about factual
Always go with as much over-the-top hyperbole as possible. And don’t worry about the actual woman involved.
Here’s what we now know: She is tanned and toned. She loves Prada and blue. She wears lace. She likes art. Oh, and her name is Mary something, and she might have a purpose other than body-showing, but Googling her work is too hard. See? It’s perfect! Just the important info, none of the fluff.
Step 2: Always mention boobs
It is very important that no one forget this very important information. So take every opportunity to remind people about boobs — not in, like, an anatomical way (breastfeeding, ew!), but in a super-sexy way, like breasts, bewbz, fun bags, pillow puppies… Your options are endless.
Example: First the splash screen reads, “BUSTY Kylie shows off HUGE ring,” and then the actual headline is, “Thinking big! Kylie Jenner shows off bust in plunging top after revealing she gave enormous diamond ring from Tyga its first bath”
Get it? Big! Busty! Huge! Enormous! This teenager has very large breasts!
Step 3: Dissect her into pieces
Make sure the woman’s body (that is, boobs and butt) is mentioned before anything else, like her job or achievements — that ish is boring.
This, my friends, is a work of art. Not only did they call out her boobs and butt, but they managed to simultaneously mock them, all without even humanizing her with a name.
Step 4: Fashion with a capital F (You)
Ladies love clothes and shopping and stuff, so that is all we want to talk about forever and always, amen. Again, mention her clothing before talking about her boring charity work or Nobel Prize or whatever little thing landed her in the news.
(Psst… She was actually there to help mentally ill children, so make sure to pull focus from that by talking about her dress and her husband. Are you taking notes yet?)
Step 5: Always mention pregnancy
A woman’s womb is everyone else’s business. Literally. How are we supposed to sell ads for pregnancy workouts, post-pregnancy workouts and shame spirals without a parade of bumps? Sometimes you may find yourself in the position where no one famous is pregnant. Don’t let that stop you — make one up based on a flowing shirt or a food baby. Or just scream “Bump Watch!” and run.
Check out this genius work! They planted the seed that J.Lo is knocked up, and then denied it so they won’t get sued. “You take it from here, speculative commenters!”
Step 6: Put aging women back in their box
Be sure to mention she either looks old, is on her way to old, is super old or is just flat-out dead. Women exist only for sexy headlines, and old women cannot be sexy. So if you find yourself writing about a woman not in her 20s, make sure you point out her age while also making fun of her for it.
SCARE CAPS: You can never have too many of those. But remind me, why is age relevant here?
Step 7: Don’t forget the fatties
We’re trying to be all-inclusive here, which means we insult every female body type. But don’t let the reader think an obese woman is just, oh, a woman. You have to point out her fat (for shame!) before anything else.
Well, she’d never felt so much shame… until this headline at a very large news site came out. You’re welcome, fat lady!
Step 8: But seriously, back to the sex
Remind the reader that women’s bodies are there for the voyeurs’ — ahem — readers’ pleasure. Note: That’s the only (acceptable) reason women ever dress up, wear high heels or put on makeup — to please a man.
See? Because J.Lo has no man currently, that means she is open to any and all offers. Start the line here.
Now, off with you! Go practice writing glorious, attention-grabbing, misogynistic headlines, my little lovelies!