Listen, it’s just a fact of life — if you plan to raise any tiny life-forms, you’re going to have to teach them certain, erm, necessary habits. And by necessary habits, I definitely mean peeing and pooping in designated sanitary safe zones.
When you’re raising a little human, that means teaching your kid the fine art of “going” on the potty. But you know what potty training a kid is a lot like? Potty training your cat. Weird, I know, but hear me out.
I’ve potty trained two children in the last five years and, well, a handful of cats in my lifetime too. If you’ve done the same, you’ll recognize the following to be all too accurate. (If you haven’t partaken in the great challenge of potty training anything yet, may the odds be ever in your favor, my friend.)
1. You resort to bribery you know is utterly beneath you
Whether it is Skittles or Friskies, you may as well buy stock in your bribe of choice before you get this whole potty-trainin’ ball rolling.
2. You never know what surprise is lurking — or where
Some days you find cat poop in your shoe. Or toddler pee in what appears to be a pattern on your hallway wall (that can’t be just my kid, right?). When you’re potty training, there’s no telling what horrors await around every corner.
3. You get creative when it comes to protecting your… well, everything
Have you ever noticed that a kitten first learning to use the litter box slings more dirty litter out of the box than they manage to keep in? Same goes for little boys figuring out how to hit the toilet bowl. Who could blame you if you suddenly feel inspired to move the towel bar in your bathroom up 5 inches higher? Or, hypothetically speaking, you tape tinfoil to your walls and floors? (Don’t knock it till you try it!)
4. You Google things you never thought you’d Google
How much pee in one day is too much pee? What color is poop supposed to be? Can an influx of bribery treats lead to a bowel obstruction? Come on, mamas, you know the deal.
5. The highs are high, and the lows are really low
Yes, your kitten hit the litter box twice in a row! Angels are parting on high, and a heavenly chorus is singing hallelujah! *steps in cat poop in the closet* Doh! Sub potty training toddler for kitten, and this scenario still works.
6. Wondering if diapers are socially acceptable for, like, forever is a thought you sometimes have
I mean, do all cats potty train? What about kids? Is there a secret underground population of potty-training dropouts? Society is pretty inclusive these days, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing if my kid/cat rocked a diaper for life, yea?
7. Your olfactory system will be pushed to the breaking point
Kittens are intrinsically cute. So are kids. But their poop is proof a higher power has a supreme sense of humor, because that stuff is foul. F-O-U-L.
8. That one trial run? You’ve had seven
Don’t worry — they’ll get the hang of it. Eventually.