If you’re still on the fence about whether rape culture exists in our society, sit back, relax and take some of the worst dating advice we’ve heard in a long time (like, since 1946), courtesy of a men’s publication that should know better. Men’s Fitness recently published and then wisely deleted an article by Nick Savoy entitled “How To Turn a ‘No’ Into a ‘Yes'”, which might as well be called “How to Sexually Harass a Woman or, in Extreme Cases, Rape Her and Come Out Feeling Like an Alpha Male Instead of a Dickhead/Criminal.”
Even though that title pretty much tells you all you need to know, allow us to elucidate on some of its more poignant tips for men keen on picking up women who have made it perfectly clear they want nothing to do with them.
Here’s the intro — underline, circle, highlight or just die on the spot when you read the words “in bed”:
— Aura Bogado (@aurabogado) June 29, 2016
There’s this gem from the article: “Deal with it [rejection] the way you would any other test — heighten it to absurdity and make a joke of it. Let’s say you’re at a bar or club or somewhere where it’s unreasonable for a woman to get upset if a man approached to make conversation. You walk up to her, but before you can open your mouth, she says, ‘Move along, dork.’ You can respond right back with, ‘Oh, I love this game. Um, um … ok. You’re a spoiled brat. OK, your turn.’ Or turn to your friend and say something like: “I love this girl. She’s like the Molly Ringwald character in those 80s teen movies. Did your parents forget your birthday, too?’ If you do it in a playful tone, you should get results.”
Allow me to save men the trouble of insulting a woman in order to sweep her off her feet and cut right to the “results” one should expect: an eye roll. A friend stepping in to tell you where to take your corny analogies. And, if you’ve got yourself a feisty woman who finds it reasonable to get upset that you’ve approached her and then refused to gracefully leave when she called you a “dork” (anyway, why would any man want to speak to a woman who does this?) then she might just tell you to go to hell. See? Life really isn’t Sixteen Candles.
But there’s a special place in my heart for this douchiest of examples: “Plow ahead anyway. (Note: Supremely gross choice of words). A client I was working with picked up a Victoria’s Secret model a couple weeks ago this way. She kept brushing him off, giving one-word answers and so on, for about 10 minutes before she started to get responsive and interested. Later, he asked her why she chose him out of all the men that approached her that night, and she said, “Because you didn’t give up too easily.”
Since I wasn’t at the club that night, I’ll give both of these people the benefit of the doubt and imagine this man was: very sweet, funny or Leonardo DiCaprio. But can you imagine the deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy lurking in a man whose goal is to take home a Victoria’s Secret model and then, once he finds himself alone with her, is so thirsty for an ego stroke that he wastes precious time asking her to list his redeeming qualities?
But I digress.
At a time when the name Brock Turner had spurred millions of women to stand up and say: enough is enough, no consent means no consent, it’s irresponsible and out of touch to post such monstrously stupid advice. It’s an insult to the many, many men who feel and are good enough to hook up with women without having to trick them or act like doormats or barnacles. And it’s certainly a pitiful way to suggest we treat women who deserve to be respected — in bed, at a bar, wherever — when they make it clear they aren’t interested in talking to you, dating you, going down on you or anything else of that matter.
Rape culture involves men assuming it’s their right to take, regardless of a woman’s feelings and desires. It makes the assumption that women don’t really know what they want and that it’s a man’s job to decide that for us. A man who can’t take no for an answer at a bar or on the street isn’t cute, he’s annoying. If he keeps pressing after we’ve politely (or impolitely) declined, it becomes harassment. And lest there be any question of it, a man who refuses to take “no” for an answer in the bedroom is a rapist.
And, for the love of God, stop insulting us — seriously. Most women see very clearly through these actions: We know it isn’t about us when a man goes over the line for the affections of a woman who isn’t interested. He doesn’t think we’re the soul mate he is destined to meet. You may be the juiciest peach on the tree, but his need to conquer at all costs is wrapped up in his feelings of unworthiness. It reeks of entitlement and proves he has already swallowed the Kool-Aid advertised in this article.