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Feminists share the worst pickup lines they’ve ever heard

Dating can be hard — no question about that. But horrible pickup lines can make the experience even more excruciating. We asked our favorite Raging Feminists to regale us with some of the most horribly memorable lines they could remember.

What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?

‘I want to smear you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.’ — Flumples on OkCupid. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, that was his opening line. His profile pic is a Snapchat screenshot of him puckering up to a sheep. — Katie Klabusich

Awful OK Cupid pickup line
Image: Katie Klabusich

I (a Black lady) was on the bus, sitting happily reading a book. It was summer and I had on a tank top. A White man started stroking my arm, turned to look at me and said, “Oh yeah, babe. This is what I like. Are you velvet… all over?’

“Needless to say he did not get laid. But did get hit in the face with my purse.” — Shannon Barber

More: Ask a Raging Feminist: What does consent mean to you?

When I met my husband, I noticed that he had a certain effect on many of my straight female friends and acquaintances. So I finally asked him, ‘What’s your secret? How do you talk to women?’ He replied, ‘Oh, it’s not how I talk. It’s how I listen.’ Best/worst pickup line!” — April Salazar

‘You probably don’t get this a lot, but you’re beautiful.’ Pretty sure the person literally had a fedora on.” — Heather Funk

Worst by light years: When I was 8-1/2 months pregnant a man said to me, ‘When you get done with that one, I can give another one.'” — Jacqueline Bryant Campbell

I seem to be the Queen of the Negs — you know, negging. That PUA technique of cutting you down so that when you receive a backhanded compliment, you’re so relieved to meet his approval that you talk to him. Apparently it’s supposed to remind her of her strained relationship with her father.

“My all time favorite neg was very simple. Not unlike the man issuing it to me: ‘You know, I’m not usually into fat chicks, but I love rap and I dig your giant ass. Yeah, I’d f*** you.'” — Helen Androlia

‘You’re Indian! Do you taste like curry?’ (Lascivious eyebrow wiggle.) I was 13. He was in his 40s. It still grosses me out.” — Asha Rajan

More: Mind your manners? Hilarious new series offers modern take on etiquette

Multiple dudes said they’d date me ‘even though’ they knew I was a feminist, like they were doing me a service by overlooking this terrible belief system I have. My out-loud reaction to them was always, ‘Noooooooope, nope, nope.’ But now I wish I had had the bandwidth to up the creativity factor: ‘But then, what if you catch The Feminism from me and it gives you a rash so you have to buy a special cream to make it go away?’ or ‘OMG! Thank you, kind sir, for overlooking my feminism. What core, defining beliefs of yours should I begrudgingly tolerate?'” — Megan Larkin

‘How married are you?’ Dude, if that were any of your business, I wouldn’t have used ‘I’m married’ as a deflection method!” — Sara Habein

My worst is when people just pick me up without asking if they can touch my body because my body belongs to me even if I am screaming in the store or in the library.” — Zelda LeJeunesse (4 years old)

Once, a guy told me that he’d been on a game show and had won a bunch of monogrammed towels, and since he and I both had the same first initial, we should go out and then get married, because he had all these towels already, see?” — Lynn B. Johnson

My ex messaged me on Facebook several years after we broke up and said, ‘I never should have broken up with you. You were a hot piece of ass.’ Not ‘You are a great person,’ or ‘I loved being with you.’ No, ‘A hot piece of ass.’ Then he asked me if I squirted. I replied, ‘Not for you.'” — Britni de la Cretaz

The worst pickup lines ever came while I was hugely, massively pregnant. I’m talking about toilet-paper-aisle-in-Wal-Mart pickup lines. I have no idea what this was about, but there was one in particular that I just probably won’t ever forget. The offender approached and asked something to the effect of, ‘Why don’t we get together?’ When I gave the extremely obvious response, ‘Dude, I’m pregnant,’ (I was probably about 8 months along at that point) he came right back with, ‘Wanna make it twins?’

“No, no, bro. That sounds less than unappealing at this point. Thanks, though.” — Maia Butler

More: What does being ‘ladylike’ mean when you’re a feminist?

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