If you’ve been living under a rock, you probably don’t know that the Powerball jackpot is up to a staggering $1.3 billion. If you haven’t been living under a rock, you probably already have big plans about what you’ll do with the money and a pretty excellent “take this job and kick rocks” speech planned for your boss on Thursday morning.
But hold your (purchased with buckets of lotto money thoroughbred, champion-stock race) horses for just a second. Your chances of winning the lottery have always been pretty slim. And your chances of winning the Powerball jackpot this week are now estimated to one in 292.2 million. In fact, you have a better chance of any of the following happening to you:
1. Being elected as president: One in 43 million
You probably already know your chances of holding the presidency are better than grabbing that sweet cash. After all, if walking angry orange peel Donald Trump has an absurdly high chance of being leader of the free world, who doesn’t?
2. Contracting Ebola: One in 13.3 million
Remember Ebola, that disease that makes you bleed from every orifice and had you Googling “fever headache chills oh my god is it ebola” four times an hour in the fall of 2014? Yeah, you have a higher chance of catching it than catching a sweet windfall. And your chances there are already pretty slim.
3. Writing the next best-selling novel: One in 220
4. Being “discovered” in Hollywood: One in 1.5 million
Still have dreams of stardom after all these years? Why not take the money you would have put toward Powerball tickets, light it on fire and use the flame to ignite a prayer candle to St. Genesius, the patron saint of actors? You’ll still have a better chance of something coming out of it.
5. Conceiving identical triplets: One in 1 million
Playing the starring role in your own personal horror movie — They Came from My Own Uterus! — with three screaming, pooping co-stars has a better chance of happening than winning the lottery in your lifetime.
6. Being killed by a murderous vending machine: One in 112 million
Vending machines are deceptively innocuous things: Usually they just belch out snacks when you’re bored at work, but every once in a while, they develop a taste for blood.
7. Becoming a professional athlete: One in 22,000
Ever been told by your mom you’re super good at sportsball? So good you should do it for a living? Even the long odds of her being right are much shorter than the odds that you’ll win the lottery on Wednesday.
8. Finding out your child is a genius: One in 250
We know, you probably already think those odds are more like one in of course my kid is a genius just look at her, but true geniuses (people with IQs of 125 and higher), while less rare than we thought, are still pretty rare. And yet, you’re more likely to give birth to one than to use your lotto winnings to buy them a pony.
9. Winning the HGTV Dream Home: One in 77 million
If past sweepstakes entries are any indication, you’re better off just skipping the lotto and letting HGTV foot the bill for your impending mansion.
10. Finding out you’re related to royalty: One to one (if you’re of European descent)
An article published in The Atlantic claimed to prove that all individuals of European ancestry have at least distant claims to a royal bloodline. Thanks, centuries of inbreeding!
11. Giving birth to conjoined twins: One in 200,000
Wow. So not only do you have a better chance of giving birth to conjoined twins than to conceiving identical triplets, but you have a way better chance of giving birth to conjoined twins than winning Powerball in two days.
12. Getting a tattoo you regret: One in 32 million
Who would have known that getting a portrait of Phil Collins on your left butt cheek would lead to years of pants-removal shame? Probably you. Even with all the scare mongering surrounding tattoo regret, it’s not particularly prevalent. Though it’s still more prevalent than winning that sweet cash.
13. Death by coconut: One in 250 million
Well, death by falling coconut, that is. Despite the fact that only 150 people die by coconut worldwide per year, it’s still more likely than winning the Powerball jackpot. But only just.