Here we are again, ready for the third Republican debate. And we’re down to just 10 candidates! Just 10. If the five candidates at the Democratic debate felt like speed dating, then the Republican debates feel like a gang bang — a gang bang where no one looks anyone else in the eyes and everyone keeps their black dress socks on and pulled to mid-calf height.
But I digress.
As I have with past debates, I’ve put together a reenactment of the debate that is mostly lies built on kernels of truth. It’s for fun.
Tonight’s theme is “Your Money, Your Vote, Our Yelling and Moderator Shaming.”
Moderator: Debates are like job interviews for president. So, everyone, what is your biggest weakness? And you can’t say you’re a perfectionist or that you work too hard because everyone knows those are bullshit answers.
Kasich: That’s a great question.
Huckabee: I bet if you ask my wife she’d have a few weaknesses for you! Ha! Women. Anyway, my weakness is that I play by the rules.
Bush: I’m impatient, and I can’t fake anger.
Rubio: I’m not sure if this is a weakness, so correct me if I’m mistaken, but I am optimistic about our country’s future.
Trump: Eeny-meeny-miney trust. I am too trusting, and if people let me down I never forgive them. I don’t know if you would call that a weakness so much as a character flaw.
Carson: I guess it’s that I didn’t see myself as president until everyone told me I’d be a great one. Isn’t that awful of me?
Cruz: I’m too agreeable. Ha! That’s funny because I’m so not agreeable. No, my biggest weakness is that I’m too passionate. I’m not someone you want to grab a beer with, believe me, but if you want someone to drive you home, clean up your vomit and help you find your underwear, I will get the job done.
Christie: Man, those Democrats.
Fiorina: I was told after the last debate that I didn’t smile enough. Well, guess what? This shit isn’t funny, and smiling makes my face hurt.
Paul: I will fix the deficit. Does that count as a personal weakness?
Moderator: Trump, you’ve done well by making a lot of ridiculous promises. Is this a comic book version of a presidential campaign?
Trump: You don’t know what hell you have just unleashed upon yourselves.
Moderator: Your tax plan was analyzed and it was determined that you would never be able to cut taxes that much without increasing the deficit. You would have as much of a chance of success as flapping your arms and flying.
Trump: The darkness is coming. You will rue this night.
Moderator: Carson, you’ve offered a 10 percent tax cut without increasing the deficit. The math doesn’t work. Can you explain that?
Carson: Uh, it’s 15 percent, thank you very much. Check your facts, you lying liar, Mayor of Liartown whose favorite designer is Calvin Lies.
Moderator: Kasich, yesterday you had strong words to say about what’s happening in your party and about the two men who just spoke. Will you repeat it? Now? And maybe add a little sass to it or a finger snap or something?
Kasich: I have the only workable plan. These other plans are fantasies. Trump is a ding dong.
Trump: John just got lucky with fracking. And his poll numbers tanked, which is why he’s on the end. BOOM.
CarsonTrumpKasichbushFiorinaPaulHuckabeeRubioCruzChristie: ALL THE TALKING.
Moderator: Fiorina, what’s your tax plan?
Fiorina: I want the tax code to go from 73,000 pages to three pages.
Moderator: Is that with super small type? BAH BOOM! Hey, Rubio — why not slow down and do your job instead of running for president now?
Rubio: That’s what the Republican establishment says, that I should wait in line. Well, Rubio doesn’t wait in line.
Moderator: A major Florida paper says you should resign and that you hate your job. Do you?
Rubio: Ha! That’s hilarious. Tons of senators don’t do their jobs.
Bush: As a fellow Floridian, I think you should show up and do the work you were elected to do.
Rubio: That’s an interesting comment, Jeb. The only reason you’re attacking me is because someone told you it would help you.
TALKING YELLING TALKING YELLING TALKING YELLING
Moderator: So, Governor Bush in the glass house, here’s a stone: You’re at the fifth lectern, which shows how much your stock has fallen. Why are you having such a hard time being good at running for president?
Bush: …Can you believe how bad Obama made things? I mean… am I right?!
Moderator: Fiorina, Hewlett-Packard did terribly under your leadership. Your board fired you. Why should we hire you?
Fiorina: I was recruited to save a failing company — a bloated, smelly, rotting carcass of a company. I had to make some tough calls, and that’s what people want in Washington. And by the way, the guy who fired me supports me now.
Moderator: Yeah, about that guy… he said once that he thinks wealthy people should get more votes than poor people. (Trump nods, makes a note) Is that really someone you want supporting you?
Fiorina: What, that asshole? No! Of course not!
Moderator: Cruz, are you the kind of problem solver America wants?
Cruz: These questions are exactly why the American people don’t trust the media. I hope you have to watch someone you love die slowly in front of you.
Moderator: Do you want to answer the question?
Cruz: You’re obviously Democrats, and we all hope you fail at accomplishing your dreams.
TALKING YELLING TALKING YELLING TALKING YELLING
Moderator: We’re clearly not having that beer, are we, Cruz?
Cruz: How about some tequila or some of those “Colorado brownies?” Unless I’m against legalizing marijuana, in which case we’ll just do shots.
COMMERCIAL BREAK (Meredith needs a hug from all the loud yelling)
Moderator: Carson, what do you think about companies raising the prices of life-saving drugs. Should the government get involved?
Carson: Yeah, some people go overboard. Those rascals.
Moderator: Bush, would you support raising taxes if spending were also cut?
Bush: If you can find a Democrat who wants to cut spending, I will give them a warm kiss. I will kiss them gently but firmly. I will caress their back and make soft moaning sounds. I will not plan to use tongue, but if they choose to draw the tip of their tongue across my lips, I will reciprocate in kind.
Bush: I’ve already got my pants off.
Moderator: Rubio, you are the worst at money — it’s like you don’t understand that it’s real currency that’s used to pay for things, but only if you have enough of it to cover the cost of the thing you want to purchase. Are you mature enough to handle the U.S. economy?
Rubio: Why are we talking about my finances when the issue here is the finances of the good people of this country? On a related note, my book is now out in paperback. Please buy it. Kids are expensive.
Moderator: Carson, you’re on the board of Costco, which has been called the #1 gay-friendly brand based on its policies. Don’t you hate gay people?
Carson: I think our constitution should protect everyone unless they want to get married. You should be fair to the gay community, except for the marriage part. I mean, you can have fairness without equality, right? This PC culture is destroying our nation. And I am not a homophobe, obviously.
Moderator: You’re also on the board of a drug company that said it could cure autism and cancer.
Carson: I wouldn’t say I support them, I just made speeches for them for money. And I also take the product, which, by the way, is excellent. I have never been less autistic in my life.
Moderator: But there’s a picture of you on their homepage.
Audience: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo to tough questions. These people are politicians who want to run our country, not… oh.
Moderator: Trump, let’s talk about immigration. You criticized Mark Zuckerberg-
Trump: Did not. These are nasty and ridiculous questions. I hope that when your mother dies, she pulls you close and whispers that you were always a disappointment.
Moderator: Kasich, do you wish Ohio could get some of that sweet pot money that Colorado’s getting?
Kasich: Pssh. We don’t need it in Ohio. We’ve got a surplus. You can keep your weed money.
Moderator: Hey Trump, remember earlier when you said you never criticized Mark Zuckerberg? I found where I got that quote from. It was on your website, douchebag.
Trump: In my defense, I did not write that and have never seen my website.
Moderator: Trump, you’ve said that school shootings could be prevented if teachers had guns. Would you feel safer if your employees brought guns to work?
Trump: I… would… feel more comfortable? I mean, I would feel more comfortable. Yes.
Moderator: We found some Trump resorts and properties that don’t allow guns on the premises. Will you change that?
Moderator: Huckabee, do you think Donald Trump has the moral authority to run the country?
Trump: What a nasty question. I hope every time you hug your children, a puppy is brutally murdered.
Moderator: Let’s talk fantasy sports: Is that gambling? Should the government be involved?
Bush: I am 7-0 in my fantasy league. I’ve got Gronk, who’s killing it, and Tannehill, who did very well last weekend. So no, it’s not gambling; it’s the Jeb Bush Ass Kicking League.
Moderator: Christie, you’ve said that climate change is undeniable and humans contribute to the problem. So what do we do?
Christie: Not what the Democrats want to do.
Moderator: But should we …
Christie: Do you want me to answer or do you want to answer? What you’re doing is considered rude even in NJ, and those people are animals.
Moderator: Trump, you say you can grow the economy so much that Medicare and social security won’t be touched. How?
Trump: Because we’re going to have an amazing economy. It’s going to be fantastic.
Kasich: You know who grew the economy? That’s right, f***ing Ohio! In fact, I nominate Ohio for president. I will be on its ticket as vice president.
YELLING TALKING YELLING TALKING YELLING TALKING
Moderator: Now, thank Christ, we will have closing statements.
Paul: Liberty thrives when government is small. I want a government so small I can barely see it; much like the genitals of all the moderators’ fathers.
Christie: OK, camera. I’m talking to you. Are you serious about this election? Then you need to elect me. I’m deadly serious.
Cruz: I’ll fight against everyone.
Fiorina: I may not be your dream candidate yet, but I am Hillary Clinton’s worst enemy. Admit it, in your heart of hearts, you want to see a debate between us. I’m not promising there’ll be hair-pulling or that we’ll call each other the b-word, but I am insinuating that’s it’s possible.
Carson: Thanks everyone on this panel for trashing the moderators, and thanks to the audience for joining in.
Trump: Our country doesn’t win anymore. CNBC charged $200,000 per ad tonight. That’s why they wanted a three-hour debate. In two minutes, I renegotiated it down to two hours. And I’ll renegotiate this country down to two hours as well.
Moderator: The debate was never supposed to be three hours.
Trump: Do me a favor: go break a bottle, cover the shards in ketchup, and stick them — and you’ll have to do this carefully — right up your-
Rubio: This country is great.
Bush: America is at a crossroads. I will unify this country.
Huckabee: For the media this is a game, and we are the players. People write columns about us criticizing us, although I’m sure they are all well-educated, thoughtful people who are merely trying to point out the problems of our political candidates while making people laugh and making enough money to over their coffee habit at the same time.
Kasich: God bless America!