As a conservative, I’ve been seriously recapping the GOP versions of the 2016 presidential primary debates, patiently awaiting my turn to mock the opposition. That time has come. If you missed the debate, never fear — all you need to know is here, almost exactly as it occurred, save a teeny tiny bit of Republican snark.
Anderson Cooper: Good evening live from Wynn. We are going to ask some hard-hitting questions tonight, but first, here’s a taped message from President Obama that will not in any way sound like a Democrat fundraising ad that CNN aired at zero cost to the DNC…
Cooper: Annnd we’re back. Now that we’ve gotten the national anthem out of the way, let’s introduce tonight’s debate participants…
Lincoln Chafee: Hi! I’m Lincoln Chafee and I’ve had no scandals, I’m very ethical, and I have high standards. Unlike some people on this stage (coughHillaryClintoncough).
Jim Webb: Hi. I’m the military guy with so many kids that I can’t always remember them all.
Martin O’Malley: I’m a life-long Democrat unlike some people on this stage (coughTwoGuysWhoJustTalkedcough).
Bernie Sanders: SOCIALISM.
Hillary Clinton: I’m Hillary Clinton, and it’s my turn. Also, I’m a woman.
Cooper: Great to have you all here! Now that 20 percent of the debate has been used on fluff and introductions, time for our first question. Sec. Clinton, do you flip-flop for political expediency?
Clinton: Of course not. I have a range of views rooted in my values, my progressing experience and what’s polling best at the time.
Cooper: Great answer. Sen. Sanders, your turn. Why is socialism so awesome?
Sanders: BECAUSE IT IS, AND IF YOU’D LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, YOU WOULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND LOVE IT LIKE I DO.
Cooper: Gov. Chafee, you were a Republican and now you are a Democrat. Why should we trust you won’t change again?
Chafee: Because I’m granite, baby. Hard, immovable granite. Except that one time when I wasn’t but then I went right back to being granite. GRANITE.
Cooper: Sen. O’Malley, why should we trust you with the country when Baltimore sucks?
O’Malley: Ummm… because I helped black people?
Cooper: Fair enough! Sen. Webb, why are you in this Democratic debate? You are clearly a Republican still.
Webb: I fought in Vietnam and… wait, did you say Democratic debate??
Cooper: Enough of those topics, let’s talk about guns. Who hates the 2nd Amendment the most?
Sanders: Bernie Sanders doesn’t like guns. Not even in 1998 when I helped pass legislation for guns, I didn’t like guns.
Clinton: Bernie’s wrong.
Sanders: GET OFF MY LAWN.
O’Malley: I have an “F” from the NRA. Only time my “F” was a good thing! Guns suck!
Webb: I’m carrying a gun right now because I don’t have an armed guard like you guys do. I had a gun in Vietnam too…
Cooper: That’s all the time we have for guns. On to Russia… Sec. Clinton?
Clinton: Ima talk to Putin and tell him to be nice to Syria. We need to tell him he’s being wrong. Bombing is wrong. Also, I have a vagina.
Sanders: Russia is a quagmire in a quagmire. Iraq is just a quagmire.
Chafee: Iraq is the worst decision ever. I read about it on the Internet. I know things.
Clinton: Psssssht, I know things. I did debates with Barack Obama, and I did so awesome that he gave me a job in the Situation Room. And not the one with Wolf Blitzer. He trusts me and my lady bits.
Sanders: Are we on Iraq still? I WAS RIGHT ABOUT IRAQ, CHECK MY WEBSITE.
Webb: I need a turn, you keep giving the people in the middle more time…
Clinton: I’m in the middle because this is my turn for president, STEP OFF.
Webb: Iraq has strategic failings and you should listen to me because I fought in Vietnam.
Cooper: Sen. Sanders, your opinion?
Sanders: (snoring) What? Putin is going to regret his actions! Oh, we aren’t still talking about Russia? My bad.
ALL OTHERS: We’re cool with that.
Cooper: All righty. Now we are going to spend 30 seconds on national security concerns. No, not 30 seconds each, 30 seconds total. What are your top concerns?
Chafee: National what?
O’Malley: Global warming, duh.
Clinton: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
Sanders: Global warming, duh.
Webb: Cyber-attacks. People keep stealing my erotic writings.
Cooper: On to a topic with much public scrutiny, Sec. Clinton’s email security. Sec. Clinton, can you please tell the American voters what mix of characters and numbers should be used to properly secure an email account?
Clinton: Listen, I’ve taken responsibility for the email thing. It was a mistake! It was a mistake when I set up that entirely separate server for my account, then wiped it clear when I was asked to turn it over. All accidental and totally legal. IT’S A VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY. Listen, I really don’t want to talk about my emails.
SANDERS: WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR DAMN EMAILS. ENOUGH OF THE EMAILS. WHAT ARE EMAILS?
Clinton: (fist bumps Sanders) (whispers: Thanks Bernie, I will throw you a secretary bone once I win.)
Chafee: It’s actually kind of important. We want a president who is ethical and stuff, right?
Cooper: Sec. Clinton, do you want to respond to Gov. Chafee?
Cooper: Good enough for me! Moving on… black lives matter?
ALL: BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Cooper: Sec. Clinton, you are the one percent?
Clinton: We worked hard for that, don’t you judge us.
Cooper: Fair enough! Let’s talk about Edward Snowden…
Clinton: That dude handled national security documents improperly and put our country in danger. He should face the music for his actions.
ALL OTHERS: Wait, what?
Cooper: Quick question time. To each candidate: How are you most different from Pres. Obama?
Chafee: I’ll have less wars.
O’Malley: GLASS STEAGALL.
Clinton: I’m a woman, duh. I menstruate. He doesn’t.
Webb: He’s a Democrat, I’m not.
Cooper: Welcome back from our break. I will now make an awkward bathroom joke.
Clinton: I sit to pee. It takes longer.
Cooper: Very true. Sec. Clinton, what do you say to claims you are a Washington insider?
Clinton: I say I’m a woman. What’s less insider-y than the first woman president? My vagina makes me an outsider.
O’Malley: We need new leaders, not someone who wants votes because of her last name.
Clinton: EX-CA-USE ME, I wouldn’t ask anyone to vote for me based on my last name. I’d ask them to vote for me based on my uterus.
Cooper: What would each of you say is the biggest political enemy you’ve made during your career?
Chafee: COAL. Because, climate change.
O’Malley: The NRA, remember my “F”?
Clinton: The Republicans. BOOM.
Sanders: Did someone already say a climate change one? A gun one? What about all of the Republicans? CRAP. I guess Wall Street…
Webb: In Vietnam, I killed a man once with a trident.
Cooper: Final thoughts?
Chafee: Chafee2016.com, bitches! Check my mixtape, it’s fire!
Webb: You’ve heard their promises and rhetoric, but if elected, I promise I will stand hard against the liberal Democrats and fight to take our country back!
O’Malley: I am very, very grateful and very, very honored to be with this very, very different group of candidates. Also, the NRA hates me.
Sanders: I’m grassroots, yo! 630,000 strong! Eff your SuperPACs!
Clinton: I get knocked down, but I get up again! You’re never gonna keep me down! Also, LADY PARTS FOR PRESIDENT.
Cooper: And that’s our debate! Thanks so much for tuning in — see you for the next debate which will likely have a much lower production value since it will be the Republicans again. Good night!