Mark Zuckerberg has big news: Facebook will finally add the much-requested “Dislike” button, or something like it anyway.
During a public Q&A this week, Zuckerberg noted, “I think people have asked about the Dislike button for many years and probably hundreds of people have asked about this. Today is a special day because today is the day where I actually get to say that we’re working on it, and are very close to shipping a test of it.”
The CEO says it will offer the Facebook community a chance to express “empathy,” so that when a user posts sad or bad news, we can respond with a compassionate dislike. But we all know that haters are gonna hate, and that a true Dislike button will more likely be used negatively. (Just what Facebook needs: more negativity.)
So, Mr. Zuckerberg, we propose that you instead institute buttons we can really use, like these:
1. The “Who cares?” button
You know the posts I’m talking about. Those inane tidbits that waste far too many seconds of our precious leisure time:
- “Going to the gym!”
- “Shopping. Then lunch. And maybe a nap!”
- “Time to walk the dog.”
2. The “TMI” button
Sharing “too much information” should be embarrassing for you, but that ultra-personal stuff somehow ends up making us feel uncomfortable. Please stop.
- Sappy love poems to your ex should stay between the two of you.
- Posts (or, heaven forbid, photos) of your toddler’s last bowel movement are a family matter.
- If that new tattoo is truly “for his eyes only,” then why are you posting pics for all the world to see?
3. The “STFU” button
Seriously, shut up about stuff you know nothing about, be it politics, religion, current events…
4. The “F” button
F as in FAIL. As in the opposite of grade A. As in “Have you ever taken an English grammar lesson in your life?”
- Is it really so difficult to remember the difference between “your” and “you’re”?
- “Their,” “there” and “they’re” are not the same — learn them.
- You must know that “have” and “of” are not interchangeable. “I should of gone.” Really?
5. The “I don’t do games” button
If I haven’t responded to your first 17 attempts to get me to play Angry Birds on Facebook, then I’m probably not going to accept your 18th invite either.
6. The “Eye roll” button
Posting the news of a new baby in the family is endearing. Showing off is not.
- “Can’t decide: Should we do the 1-month African safari or put a down payment on a house in the Caribbean?”
- “Ugh! All of my size 2 jeans are just so baggy on me. FML.”
- “Another trophy for my little QB. Where will we put this one?”
7. The “Just Google it” button
In the time it takes to ask a stupid question on Facebook, you could have looked up the information yourself.
- “How many cups are in a gallon?”
- “What time does the mall close?”
- “How many teaspoons of medicine should I give my 4-year-old child who weighs 47 pounds?”
8. The “Ignore” button
If adding buttons 1 through 7 is too much to ask, can we at least get a button that lets us ignore the detritus?
9. The “Love” button
Because, more often than not, Facebook is full of wonderful and interesting bits from our friends’ lives. And hitting the “Like” button just doesn’t express that strongly enough.