It’s presidential debate season — time to whittle down the many, many candidates to the few who might actually have a shot at getting elected president. But what about those candidates who are both lesser known and more insane? And how do they match up against the current leader in the Republican polls, Donald Trump? Let’s take a trip to fantasy land and find out.
1. Joy Waymire (Libertarian Party candidate)
Joy Waymire is a U.S. Army veteran who believes the government should have little to no involvement in the lives of its citizens. She also describes herself as a spiritual visionary who learned her faith from a childhood friend named Becky, who was invisible but not imaginary, and claims that she was cured of arthritis, hepatitis C and diabetes without any medical intervention.
Surprisingly, there doesn’t seem to be much that she and Trump disagree on when it comes to the major issues, with the exception of a few details regarding immigration: She is against building a wall, and he is against mouthy broads.
2. JD Criveau (Third Party candidate)
Not going to kid you — we picked Criveau from among the Third Party candidates solely because of his saucy profile picture. Who wouldn’t want to see that debate? He and Trump would get into it over the separation of church and state: Criveau believes they must be completely separate while Trump believes in poll numbers. Also, Criveau believes that the United States should not interfere with the governments of other nations while Trump believes in hiring a team of experts to bomb them. Whatever. We just want to see Turtleneck and Hair on the same stage.
3. Tami Stainfield (Independent candidate)
Trump would actually look like a reasonable, thoughtful man if he ran against Tami Stanfield, an Independent candidate who, on her campaign website, expresses her “grave concern [that] the USA government is utilizing scripted human logistics and robotics to replace and control [a] person’s body movements and functions — including voice and eyes!” If ever a sentence deserved an exclamation point, it’s that one. The debate would be worth watching if only to see Donald Trump show genuine concern over another person’s mental health.
4. Cody Robert Judy (Democratic candidate)
Judy is your typical Democrat: He was excommunicated from the Mormon church, served eight years in prison for making a bomb threat and believes we should protect our border using land mines and laser beams. He is also a birther who sued Obama for occupying the White House illegally. Poor Trump wouldn’t know what to do with Judy. There’d be a lot of, “Well, now, I see where you’re coming from, but…”
5. JR Meyers (Constitution Party candidate)
Meyers is the founder of the Alaska Constitution Party and follows the conservative party’s views on abortion, gun rights and gay marriage. I know what you’re thinking: Ho hum. What makes this guy Trump-worthy? How about the fact that he believes everyone should be able to make and sell their own guns, and that juries should be able to nullify laws as their consciences dictate? This is the kind of guy that could peer pressure Trump into saying that every child over 5 should know how to use a gun, and that laws should be left up to individuals. This debate might make Trump one-up himself into an anarchist.