The already crowded Republican field for the 2016 presidential campaign just got a lot tighter — and more entertaining — thanks to the announcement from Donald Trump today that he and his massive ego have decided to run.
Sure, there’s no shortage of personalities in the Republican field, but no one knows how to put on a show with that special brand of cuckoo confidence quite like The Donald.
America is a terrible place, the American Dream is dead, and we need a hard-nosed negotiator to bring the country back to greatness, Trump told the spirited audience in his best tough-guy persona Tuesday morning.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again,” he announced from Trump Tower. “The fact is, the American Dream is dead — but if I win, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever.”
Also, Trump really, really wants you to know he’s filthy, stinking rich, and nothing matters more than that. Got it?
And so, if you missed Donald Trump’s official 2016 presidential campaign kickoff, here are a few of Trump’s plans to bring America back to greatness.
Trump on China
- China is bad… except for the rich Chinese men who do business with Trump.
- China’s leaders are like the New England Patriots and Tom Brady, and the United States and its leaders are like a high school team.
- If you have a problem with ISIS, you have a bigger problem with China.
Trump on foreign policy and trade
- John Kerry is terrible at negotiating and has no business at 72 years old riding in a bike race.
- Trump says Ford has decided to build a $2.5 billion plant in Mexico and that if he were president, he would have called the president of Ford (who is a close, personal friend) and let him know every part coming out of that plant would be subject to a 35 percent tax. Boom. Plant gets moved back to the U.S.
- Trump would appoint a top negotiator to work with each country to get the U.S. better foreign deals.
- Saudi Arabia has enough money of its own, and as president, he would cut off its foreign aid and only send second-hand equipment to help out the Saudis since, Trump says, we never seem to get our equipment back from them.
- He will stop Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.
- Trump will defeat ISIS by finding the “right guy within the military,” like a modern-day General Patton or MacArthur.
Trump on his vast wealth
- Trump announced that accountants have calculated his net worth to be $8,737,540,000.
- Trump is pretty proud of that number. “I’m proud of my net worth. I’ve done an amazing job,” he said, waving his disclosure paperwork from the podium.
- Trump says he has employed tens of thousands of people in his lifetime.
- “I’m really rich,” Trump said, just in case people in the audience weren’t getting it already.
Trump on immigration
- “I will build a Great Wall on the southern border and make Mexico pay for it,” Trump said. “Mark my words.”
Trump on domestic issues
- Common Core is terrible and will be eliminated under a Trump administration.
- The U.S. is paying more per pupil on education than anyone else in the world, and yet the U.S. ranks 26th in education. Trump is mad about that and plans to do something about it. What? Something with negotiating and business.
- Trump, if elected president, would immediately repeal and replace ObamaCare.
- The U.S. desperately needs to invest in building new infrastructure.
In honor of The Donald’s presidential announcement, we give you Rae Sremmurd’s opus “Up Like Trump.” Enjoy.
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