Open concept floorplans were all the rage a decade ago, but somehow living in one isn’t quite like you see on HGTV.
1. All of your furniture is bad and you should feel bad.
Everything that you own once fit nicely into your space, but trying to arrange them in an open concept floorplan seems like a cosmic joke that’s meant to destroy any residual furniture-buying hubris. No matter where you put that couch, your house still looks like a dorm. Deal with it.
2. Ikea is a den of lies.
No one lives like this, Ikea, OK? No house is a big square, there is no nook on Earth perfectly constructed to fit your crappy bookcases, and no one owns just four sweaters. Other heinous deceivers? HGTV and Pinterest. No matter what you do, your house will never look like those houses look. Unless you win the lottery, in which case I suggest you just buy a new home and start over.
3. There is no such thing as privacy.
Forget getting frisky, going pantsless or picking a wedgie in your open floor plan. The office is open to the dining room is open to the living room is open to the kitchen, and every wall is an exterior one, so even if you have the house to yourself, you’ll end up in front of a window.
4. Painting a single wall is out of the question.
Because every wall in your house stretches on forever. You will never have a blue living room and a gray dining room because they are all one giant room that is maybe even open to the second floor. Hope you like white hospital walls.
5. You’ll instantly regret cooking any food that tastes like anything.
Curries? Fish? Out of the question. If you even whisper the word “garlic” in your kitchen, your pillowcases will smell like it for a month.
6. Your home has the temperature consistency of a swimming pool.
Freezing in the foyer, suspiciously warm right there by the closet.
7. There is no such thing as quiet.
The acoustics in your house are to die for. I hope you don’t have newborns that need sleep because getting up to get a glass of water in the middle of the night can only be done in eardrum destroying stereo surround sound.
8. Your home is where design ideas go to die.
You start thinking that maybe you could put a rug here, or a club chair here, or maybe move the dining room table over there to “define your space.” Stop. Push everything you own up against a wall. That’s the best you can hope for.
9. The monthly utility bills would be comical…
If they weren’t so horribly tragic. No one told you cooling your home in the summer would basically mean a second mortgage payment. Thanks for nothing, House Hunters.