Pastor says Girl Scout cookies encourage communism and lesbians
And here you thought those Thin Mints were a good thing.
Right-wing advocates and pastors Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner think you should stop buying Girl Scout cookies because the Girl Scouts of the United States of America promotes lesbianism and is creating a generation of empowered women who, according to Swanson, will put a "communist in the White House."
How exactly does the Girl Scouts promote commies? Because, these right-wing loons allege, a girl who knows how to sell cookies turns into "a woman who is going to compete with men in the marketplace," Buehner says. Instead, he thinks girls should be bred into a "woman who will be a helpmeet to a man so he can compete in the marketplace."
If you're interested in hearing more about why these two geniuses think the Girl Scouts are a bunch of lesbians and why that would be a bad thing, you can listen to their full comments on Generations Radio.
Unpacking this right wing dog whistle opera would take more time than any of us has here, so let's just focus on the reality our girls and women face in this "marketplace" Swanson and Buehner are so eager to defend.
40 percent. That's the number of U.S. households with children under 18 in which the primary earner is a woman. Women make up 47 percent, nearly half of the U.S. workforce. And yet we earn 77 cents to every dollar our male counterparts earn. This is the reality of today's marketplace, and our girls better damn well be ready to compete.
Women are also in control of anywhere from $5 trillion to $15 trillion in purchasing power annually in the U.S. Women drive the entire world's economy. Not that folks like these two aren't going to make it as hard as possible along the way.
In fact, I would be willing to bet some of Swanson's and Buehner's advertisers and church people who fund their whole anti-woman party are themselves — wait for it — women.
Perhaps a simpler time — maybe the 1980s — are the halcyon days when "commies" were still a thing and ladies just needed to worry about how to take care of their man. But those days are long gone, my Jesus-quoting friends.
So for the time being, women control the U.S. economy. If the Girl Scouts are getting our women ready to do that better than the superpower next door, that's probably more patriotic than dropping some outdated concept like communism.
So if you really love America, go out and buy up every last Samoa, Thin Mint, Tagalong, Trefoil and Do-si-do within 100 miles. And while you're at it, take a look at that little girl wrapped in her Girl Scout sash, because she's going to run the world one day, whether Swanson and Buehner like it or not.
More on Girl Scouts and cookies
Girl Scout cookies and wine are a match made in heaven (INFOGRAPHIC)
Man steals cash from 10-year-old girl selling Girl Scout cookies (VIDEO)
New Girl Scout Cookie Oven makes Thin Mints possible year-round