We’re deciphering Wicked Campers’s horribly offensive van slogans before they, thankfully, get covered up.
After her 11-year-old daughter took offence to a Wicked Campers slogan on the back of one of their vans, Paula Orbea, a Sydney mother has petitioned for the company to remove their explicit messages.
With slogans like, “I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long,” and, “In every princess there is a little slut who wants to try it just once,” the petition received more than 110,000 signatures and company owner, John Webb, announced the offensive messages would be painted over.
Webb has agreed to “acknowledge the prevailing community opinion by removing the slogan in question and making a commitment over the coming six months to changing slogans of an insensitive nature”.
The cover-up cannot happen soon enough, but here’s what we think all those offensive messages are really saying.
1. We were fast and furious. I was fast, she was furious.
Translation: I’ve never satisfied a woman in my life.
2. Life sucks if your girlfriend doesn’t.
Translation: I’m single.
3. Massive cock!
Translation: I’m describing my personality, not my physicality.
4. A wife: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Translation: I’m recently divorced and had to hire a housekeeper.
5. In every princess there is a little slut who wants to try it just once.
Translation: Keep your daughters away from me, I’m dangerous.
6. I wouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Translation: I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with a woman.
7. A vagina is like the weather, once it’s wet it’s time to go inside.
Translation: I’m desperate for human contact. Hug me?
8. In the midnight hour she cried more, more, more.
Translation: My girlfriend always goes for seconds after a midnight snack.
9. Men have two emotions — hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Translation: I’m describing my own shortcomings as a human being. Men hate me, too.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
Translation: The apostrophe isn’t the only thing that dangles in between that I don’t know how to use properly.
11. It only hurts the first time.
Translation: I don’t really care how you feel.
12. Drink til she’s pretty.
Translation: Drink until you forget you’re an a***hole.
13. If you drink and drive you’re a bloody idiot. If you make it home, you’re a bloody legend.
Translation: I’m a bloody idiot and need to be taken out of my van and off the roads before someone gets killed.
14. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
Translation: I have no idea how sex works.
15. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Translation: Run faster, ladies, because I’m coming to catch you!