Most of us are doomed by Valentine’s Day’s unrealistic expectations that are impossible to live up to, but these fails are taking the holiday to a whole new level of disappointment.
1. Big Foot-in-mouth
Ahh, yes… nothing spells romance like dehydrated meat products and Sasquatch.
2. Never judge a butt cookie by its shape
These heart cookies look dangerously like those, ahem, cheeky Xerox scans made by tipsy people sitting on the company scanner at office parties with spiked punch.
3. That’s still gonna hurt in the morning
It’s a rare woman who turns down an engagement ring because it is too big. Me thinketh thou doth protest too much!
4. Lou’s got a lot of explaining to do
Who’s Lou? Who the hell is Lou?!
5. You, sir, are disqualified
Perhaps this husband should have brushed up on his math skills before making this well-intentioned — we hope — card for his wife. One misplaced decimal equals two weeks in the doghouse.
6. Good daddy, bad hubby
We have to think he at least got some credit for bringing flowers for his daughters. Then again, the fact that his wife had to ask him to do that probably meant she was trying to remind him about her, too.
7. The color of these fortune cookies is questionable
If my Valentine’s Day fortune comes wrapped in something that looks like a severed human tongue — or, um, something else — I might just leave my destiny to chance and toss it.
8. Believe it or not, this is dessert
You may think, “Hmm, something looks off about the consistency of that hamburger meat.” Alas, it isn’t ground beef at all — it’s simply proof that @lavenderlollipop is the only person in the northern hemisphere who can’t pull of Rice Krispies Treats.
9. At least she was warm?
Some lessons are harder learned than others. Now you know not to wear your puffy coat to the dinner table, silly head.
10. To eat it or wear it… it’s a mystery
Hey, I don’t mind if your ice cream bowls look like Willy Wonka-land chocolate-chip top hats as long as they taste yummy.
11. Buyers beware!
Dear Clueless Dudes Looking for a Gift for Your Lady, don’t let Groupon lead you astray with its Valentine’s Day “deals.” The only acceptable option here is a spa day. You can thank us later.
12. F for failure, Papa John’s
I mean, c’mon… if you’re marketing heart-shaped pizzas, you could try a little harder, Papa John’s. This looks more like a bloated Pac-Man pizza.
13. And now we’ll never know
Somehow I doubt this is what the person who paid for a skywriter to pen a poignant message in the clouds was going for. Let’s hope he or she kept the receipt.
14. Are they even the same size?
While the boyfriend gets major brownie points for buying his sweetheart some beautiful riding boots for Valentine’s Day, we must deduct a few of those points for not realizing his heartfelt gift gave his girl two left feet.
15. I think this guy loves Brenda
Anyone who will tattoo someone’s name on his or her back in 100 different fonts — including Comic Sans — must really love that person. Or be insane. Or both.
I just know these candy hearts are trying to communicate with me… I just have no clue what they are trying to say. Whatever happened to a simple “Be Mine”?
17. Worst Valentine’s Day gift ever
Fred C. Lowther, we are officially dubbing you the Grinch of Valentine’s Day. Here’s hoping you find a metaphorical Cindy Lou Who soon to warm your cynical heart.
18. Sign me up for one of these
We’ve decided and it’s unanimous — this heart-o-gram misspelled word makes for one funny Valentine.
19. If your girl only knew
Really, guys? It’s time to step up your game and get your lives together. PS: You can search all you want, but you won’t find what you really need on that rack: a clue.
20. I don’t think this is what “treat her like a queen” means
For those Valentine’s Days when you’re really looking to impress that special someone, White Castle has got you covered. If you go, say hello to the guys from No. 19 for us.
21. At discount, no less
This is either the worst or the best marketing ploy in the world.
22. The most awkward Valentine’s display award goes to…
We bet moms taking their kids to Walgreens to get Valentine’s Day gifts for their kids’ teachers didn’t expect they’d have to talk about the birds and the bees, too.
23. People do crazy things when they’re in love
There’s something to be said for baring your heart. Unless it’s on your back.
24. Valentine’s shopping at its finest
I can’t think of anything that would make me happier this Valentine’s Day than being gifted temporary lip tattoos or a bedazzled stapler. Oh, wait, yes I can — everything!
25. What a weird thing to wish someone
You just can’t use abbreviations sometimes. Seriously.
26. Yo, Mom — you can do side bends or situps
And you thought holidays with your family were weird!
27. Happy Birthday, er, Christmas, er Valentine’s Day
This can’t have gone over well.
28. Maybe the answer is on the back
Perhaps it is time for the candy heart company to hire a copy editor. Based on the candy heart messages we’ve seen today, it looks like it is outsourcing most of the work to 13-year-olds.
29. Oh no he didn’t!
I can’t decide if this obscene bear is completely offensive or completely brilliant. One thing’s for sure, though — the manufacturer of this toy is, er, bear-y ballsy.
30. On the plus side, they are pretty
You know, if he had popped the question at Christmas, he could have played this off as a holiday proposal pun. Now, instead of coming off as witty, he just looks like a bad speller. Kudos for making his lady cookies, though.
31. They’re so fertile, I mean festive
Word to the wise: If you want to make heart-shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day, remember the unfortunate shape a dough mold gave these phallic confections.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below.
Originally published February 2015. Updated February 2017.