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10 Ways Burger King is going to ruin Tim Hortons

So, Burger King has officially decided to buy out Tim Hortons and we are quite concerned about this takeover. We may be witnessing the beginning of the end.

“The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!” — exclaimed every single Canadian simultaneously in the Great White North, whilst nervously clenching his or her medium double-double. Things are about to go down the pooper around these parts, since Burger King has graciously agreed to buy Tim Hortons for about $11.4 billion and become a mega fast-food beastie — the third largest in the world. Huzzah!

The good news: The folks at Tim Hortons are making a fortune from this deal and their headquarters will remain in Oakville, Ontario, as nature intended. While it seems like a pretty winning deal, we wouldn’t run off to unroll the welcome mat just yet. Burger King has been given a grand ol’ opportunity to possibly destroy one of Canada’s biggest cultural icons and it may do just that.

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1. It’s Burger King, for Pete’s sake

Let’s be honest, in a battle of reputations, Tim Hortons is much more angelic than Burger King. The burger joint does not scream warm coffee and childhood memories, which may affect Timmy’s brand of awesome. Buying coffee from a place owned by a major burger giant is not all that inviting.

2. The company doesn’t know the Canadian way

Tim Hortons is a holy institution serving the heavenly caffeine-infused nectar given to Canadians by the gods of happiness. We were entrusted with the task of protecting its pureness and now Burger King is going to fondle it with his beef-stained hands. The point is, Burger King may not fully understand the cultural value of Tim Hortons to the Northern folk and it may lead to its untimely demise.

3. It will expand internationally

We, as Canadians, adore Tim Hortons. We cherish it. We nourish it. We protect it. Burger King will most likely take this coffee chain and slap it where it can possibly be slapped. They know it makes money in Canada, so they will shove it into every market available. And the Canucks will be left with a watered-down mega coffee chain, bereft of sentiment and its innate Canadian-ness. Tragedy be upon us.

4. It will most likely steal our lingo

We would not be surprised if little, tiny “burger-bits” or “king-bits” hit the market in the near future. Whatever can be converted for the use by the Burger King chain will be stolen and sold for parts — including Timmy’s lingo. Just imagine the carnage…

5. It may even change Tim Hortons’ sacred coffee

We fear that in an effort to revitalize the brand, Burger King may want to tweak the Tim Hortons coffee, which will lead to catastrophic consequences beyond our imagination. Some folks have been getting their coffees the same way for decades; if the company ever changes the recipe… there will be riots. There will be casualties.

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6. It may, nay, will mess with the menu

The Burger King company has a brand new toy to play with; obviously they will mess with the menu. They will add new drinks, new sandwiches, maybe even specialty foods. But if a burger ever drags its little buns over to the menu at Tim Hortons — unleash hell. Some things can never be.

7. Holy mother of all, what if they give Timmy’s a mascot?

Remember when Burger King had an actual Burger King mascot, a creepy dude with a plastic head in breeches? What if, in an effort to spice things up, Tim Hortons gets a mascot? Like a Mountie or a caffeine deprived beaver… the Queen will save us, right?

8. It may change the chain’s customer service

No offence, but Tim Hortons has way better service than any Burger King. Sure, those poor underpaid folks hate their jobs all the same, but they sure hide it better at Timmy’s. Don’t ever change.

9. It may try to make Timmy’s a shelf superstar

Tim Hortons is like the Mick Jagger of Canada, as far as coffee chains go. Burger King can see this as a business opportunity to release a slew of products inspired by Timmy’s and export it overseas. This will turn Timmy’s into a cheap, over-glamourized coffee brand. We can’t have that. Mr. Hortons must remain a classy fella.

10. Burger King will take Tim Hortons down with it

Tim Hortons has about a third of the number of restaurants Burger King operates, yet it makes almost the same amount of profit. That’s not a good sign. Clearly, Timmy’s knows how to run a business. If Burger King ever tanks, guess what? It will mercilessly take Tim Hortons down with it.

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