Someday when future anthropologists look back on our society, bikini waxing is going to make our whole society look very, very bad.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting a clean coochie but the lengths we go to get bare down there are downright harrowing. And for those of us who don’t want to pay a stranger to de-beard our clam, sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands. Literally. But it doesn’t always go as planned as shown by one woman’s (hilariously) tragic tale of gory grooming.
Reddit user sloanesteel writes: “In an effort to be sexy and save money I decided to wax my own vagina. I researched it online and watched videos and I’ve had them done professionally since I was 15. I figured if my high school dropout bikini waxer can do it, then so can I.”
I totally get this. Not only am I also cheap but I too love learning new things on the interwebs! I once watched a YouTube video about how to fix a flat tire and it also made me overly confident in my (non-existent) skills.
“I took a Xanax and applied the wax and ripped. Easy peasy! It didn’t hurt and the hair was actually coming out,” she continues.
At this point I actually started searching for home waxing kits on Amazon. I mean, it’s kind of brilliant right? You don’t have to make uncomfortable small talk with a stranger who is eye-to-eye with your Eye of Sauron and you save money! And… then this happened:
“As I was applying wax to the innermost sensitive area of the vagina my husband came in the room. I was half kneeling half planking over my makeup mirror in a sports bra and nothing else while applying the wax with a tongue depressor. When he came in I screamed “don’t look at me!” And tried to do a barrel roll behind my makeup vanity so he couldn’t see me.”
First, I love the multitasking of waxing and working out at the same time! Girlfriend is efficient. Second, I would have had exactly the same reaction if my husband had walked in on me bird-dogging over a mirror — and he’s seen me birth all our children. I maintain women should still be allowed some mystery, especially when it comes to masochistic beauty routines. Yet regardless of how you feel about your man watching you rip hair off your vulva, one should not roll around naked with wax on their nethers because:
“As I did this the tongue depressor lodged itself in between my downtown lips and the wax stuck to both sides of the tongue depressor, which was now lodged firmly into place. If you don’t know anything about bikini wax, it dries very quickly. I tried to open my legs but the tongue depressor was stuck to both lips and there was nothing I could do.”
I cancelled my Amazon search. This actually happened to a roommate of mine in college. The rest of us tried to help her by shouting things through the door like, “You can use my hair dryer as long as you don’t actually touch it to your business end! Turn it on high heat blast!” Since Sloanesteel didn’t have such helpful roommates like us she was left to her own devices:
“So I figured my best bet was to breathe deeply and rip it as fast as I could.”
Famous. Last. Words. Even if you don’t have a vagina, I’m guessing your gonads are grimacing in sympathy.
“I am currently writing this in the lobby of Urgent Care while wearing an adult diaper because I ripped a 2-inch section of flesh off of my vagina and am bleeding rather profusely,” she concludes.
Don’t say you never learned anything from the internet!