Prepare yourself for the most tragic story you will read today. How an ordinary woman simply wanted an obnoxious inflatable pool swan, just like Kimye, and how her life would never be the same again.
I’m not sure exactly where I saw the giant inflatable pool swan, but I think it was in a publication that had an article about the Hamptons — where the headline said something like:
GIANT INFLATABLE POOL SWANS ARE THE MOST AMAZING AND WONDERFUL PRODUCT OF THE SUMMER AND IF YOU GET ONE YOU WILL ALSO BE FANCY LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS A HOUSE IN THE HAMPTONS!
Or, you know, something like that. All I know is when I saw these amazingly cool, giant swans floating in some rich person’s ultramarine pool I had to have one.
Don’t give me that look. Yeah, that look.
This happens to all of us stupid enough to venture into the dregs of Pinterest, where we see the artistically arranged books pristinely organized by the color of their bindings in some jerk’s bookshelf, the wool-tufted Chesterfield nestled in the pages of the encyclopedia-weight Restoration Hardware catalog, the low-rimmed serverware on the Crate and Barrel website art-directed on some twig-and-berry-bedecked dining table that we just know would make our life complete. We are all consumers. We all like nice things.
My nice thing just happened to be a giant blow-up swan.
So I did what any other connoisseur of nice things with an internet connection does, I ordered one. OK, it wasn’t so simple, because every place on earth was sold out of this giant inflatable swan and I had to wait and wait and wait until it was back in stock and then I had to pay 10 bucks over the average retail price — which was still better than other stores that were selling it for triple.
It arrived, it took four hours to inflate with a foot pump because I was too dumb to own an electrical pump, and it looked adorable floating serenely in my pool. Until my kids accidentally popped its wings simply by using it as a pool toy.
I mean, the thing still looks cute. Kinda. For a wingless bird, sitting next to my now-covered pool and gathering leaves on my patio. In the meantime I have seen fancy celebrities like Kim Kardashian with the inflatable swan. Zooey Deschanel.
Just hanging out on a giant inflatable swan as per usual. pic.twitter.com/EdkUeMn68C
— zooey deschanel (@ZooeyDeschanel) September 12, 2014
Johnny Manziel of the Cleveland Browns.
— Eric (@Ekydoog_Cire) June 7, 2014
But I doubt any of these fancy celebrities would feel as crestfallen as I have if their inflatable pool swan popped a wing. They probably have a gaggle of them. And can easily get more.
I have no words of wisdom for you, dear reader. Don’t spend a pile of money on something that will break within an hour. You are not Kimye. Spend your money on something far more important.
And don’t tell my kids I have a new one, nestled safety away in a box for next summer. That one I’ll be reinforcing with duct tape.