Come on, ladies, I know I’m not alone with these nine crazy thoughts.
1. “Oh my god, I forgot to shave my legs.”
It’s only upon sitting down that I realize it’s been exactly 4.5 weeks since I last picked up a razor. Also: toe hair. We’re off to a relaxing start.
2. “I’m sure you’re lovely, but please don’t talk to me.”
As much as I enjoy small talk, I’d really like to be left alone to read my People magazine, circa 2007. Britney Spears is really having a hard time these days, eh?
3. “I couldn’t touch feet all day like her, I just couldn’t.”
It’s a noble profession, really it is — making women feel beautiful. It’s also disgusting. Feet all day, yuck. I wonder if she has a power ranking of the nastiest feet she has ever touched. I wonder where I am on that list.
4. “Skip the tickle spot. Skip the tickle spot.”
If she touches the middle of my foot one more time, I cannot be held responsible if I involuntarily kick her in the face. No offense.
5. “They’re talking about me. I know they are.”
My foot looks like a boat in her tiny and delicate little hands. Perfect hands, really. And now her perfect little hands are touching the corn on my big toe. What is she saying? Is it about my corn?
6. “Are they talking about my weird toes??”
Ugh, I know that she is talking about my corn and my bunion and my weird little toe that doesn’t grow a toenail. This is mortifying. I’m never doing this again. You’ve betrayed me again, weird toes.
7. “She’s done with the massage? Dang, that was too short.”
8. “It’s burning. It’s burning! OK, whew, it’s cooling down.”
The massage was way too short, but good thing we’re moving on to the paraffin wax dip. This should feel nice. Holy balls, this paraffin wax is molten hot lava! Breathe through it, breathe through it. Don’t scream in pain, it’s unbecoming. OK, it’s cooling off. I might have a blister but it’s cooling off.
9. “I love pedicures.”
You know, it was touch and go there for a minute. But just look at my toenails! Better set my next appointment.
Tell us: What are the thoughts that race through your head when you’re in the hot seat?