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The funniest video about octopuses you’ll ever see

Let’s be honest. Animal documentaries would be so much better if the narrators just said what they’re really thinking. Because truthfully, it’s what we’re really thinking, too, right? This funny narrator has figured out that the octopus is more interesting than we ever knew, and we’ve pulled the best of his quotes to prove it.


The floppy, floppy spider of the sea

“Deep in the depths of the ocean lives a marvelous creature, sometimes referred to as the floppy, floppy spider of the sea.”


An alien got freaky

“The cirrate octopuses look a bit like an alien got freaky with a weather balloon.”


Farting ink

“Many of you will know the amazing color and texture-changing abilities, as well as its ability to fart ink at a moment’s notice — evolution at its finest.”


Clams are dumb as hell

“Perhaps the most-amazing feature of the octopus is its intelligence. They are the most intelligent of all invertebrates. Technically not tons of competition there. I mean, clams are stupid. I’m sorry, I said it — but they are dumb as hell.”


A mind of its own

“Unlike our intelligence, which is mainly centralized in our head-hole, the octopus has distributed intelligence. Three-fifths of all its neurons are located in its arms. In a way, each of its arms actually has a mind of its own, which is amazing. Unless, after a while you found out that one of your arms was an a**hole. That would suck.”


Grabby, grabby

“Each arm of the octopus is equipped with over 250 suction cups, each one with the ability to rotate and grasp independently. Not only are they grabby, grabby, but the suction cups contain sensory receptors, which allow it to taste and smell what it touches. This is an ability I am glad I don’t have.”


Where’s its butt?

“It is widely known that the interestingness of an animal is proportional to how difficult it is to figure out where its butt hole is. The octopus is, therefore, very interesting, because its mouth is exactly where I thought its butt should be.”


What happened to your little arm?

“Octopuses can even move on land, quite effectively. Yes, they get a little mushy on land, but don’t judge. It’s like reverse shrinkage. Imagine what they think when we skinny-dip. ‘What happened to your little arm?’ That’s what they say.”


Shaking hands with an octopus

“Shaking hands with a male octopus is sort of like playing Russian roulette, but instead of dying, you risk your hand getting pregnant.”


When they get it on… it can get crazy

“To the octopus, human sex looks really, really boring — like we’re just saying hello to each other. Because when they get it on, it can get crazy.”


They’re hardcore

“When the female has fertilized her eggs, she retreats to an underwater crevice and attaches her eggs to the roof. She will stay with them, gently blowing fresh water over them, protecting them as she slowly starves to death. Basically, everything they do is hardcore. When her job is done, she is gone, but thousands of little babies emerge — floating. Just beautiful.”

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