What celebs like Chris Brown might put on their Candygram
Ever wonder how celebrities show their affection? In the spirit of Valentine's Day, we imagine what celebrities like Chris Brown might say to their loved ones via Candygram.
Type of Candy: Sweethearts
Message: If his Twitter eloquence is any indication, Brown’s Candygram to Rihanna would most likely start with something profound, like, “Be mine, hoe [sic],” and be filled with symbols to thinly veil his favorite obscene reference: his d**k. His message would be tied to a bag of candy hearts, which — natch! — would all read, “Love Hurts.”
To: Robert Pattinson
Type of Candy: Suckers
Message: What better way to say, “Sorry I slept with my Snow White director, caused a huge public scandal and broke your heart” than with candy? The sugar is certain to soften the blow of betrayal. To make sure the message feels authentic, the person delivering it should stare blankly at Rob and, like, say "like" a lot.
To: Kanye West
Type of Candy: Whoppers
Message: Since the matriarch of the Kardashian clan seems so fond of home videos, maybe her Candygram would come complete with a video message for Kim’s baby daddy. Either way, the main sentiment would be something along the lines of, “Thanks for knocking Kimmie up! I can’t wait to pimp my grandbaby out to the tabloids. P.S. I took the liberty of setting up a photo shoot for the fetus two weeks from Tuesday.”
To: Harry Styles
Type of Candy: Sour Patch Kids
Message: Just the most recent of the many boys Taylor Swift has bid adieu to, One Direction's Harry Styles has found himself on Swift's chopping block. The country queen has an arsenal of songs she could pull from — think “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” or “Picture to Burn” — but the message would be best served with a set of lyrics written just for Styles.
To: Selena Gomez
Type of Candy: Mary Janes
Message: My how the mighty have fallen! Since the Biebs is apparently on the Lindsay Lohan five-year plan, it’s no wonder his on-again off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez needs a little saccharine persuasion to stick around. Since he's constantly sticking his foot in his mouth these days, Justin should stick with the whole “If I was your boyfriend” song lyric shtick in his Candygram.