With Valentine’s Day just around the corner and love on your mind, it’s best if you don’t get your hopes up. Yes, in an ideal world your man would be able to read your mind (read the notes you’ve plastered around the house), but this isn’t an ideal world. It’s real life. Prepare yourself for the worst so you don’t get disappointed. Here are 10 gifts you won’t be getting for Valentine’s Day.
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What you want: A meaningful memento from your romantic past that he has held onto for years. Bonus points if he’s kept it in his wallet.
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What you’ll get: A teddy bear whose stomach says, “Be mine.”
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What you want: Original poetry detailing how much you have changed his life and his undying love for you.
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What you’ll get: A Hallmark card that says, “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
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What you want: A meaningful original soundtrack comprised of the songs you listened to when you fell in love.
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What you’ll get: Radio duties in the car.
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What you want: That J. Crew dress you’ve posted on the fridge and talked about incessantly. The dress that will transform you from regular human to confident goddess.
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What you’ll get: Trashy lingerie.
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What you want: One hundred roses, one for every day you’ve spent together (every day his life has been complete).
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What you’ll get: Ratty carnations that look as though they are dying.
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What you want: Your favorite chocolate imported from Belgium.
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What you’ll get: Hershey’s Kisses. In the bag.
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What you want: The first edition of your favorite book, perhaps signed by the author.
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What you’ll get: Twilight, picked up at the airport reading section.
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What you want: Your favorite album on vinyl, tracked down from across the country.
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What you’ll get: An iTunes gift card.
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What you want: A weekend getaway to a romantic inn complete with a spa day.
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What you’ll get: Scentless Vaseline lotion.
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What you want: An engagement ring from Tiffany & Co.
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What you’ll get: A butterfly ring from Kmart.
Remember, the key to receiving the proverbial Skittles-scented candle, ladies, is to act surprised and gracious.
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Rihanna has it on lock. So can you.