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How to be a bridezilla in 5 easy steps

Congratulations! You’re engaged! Now that you’re a bride-to-be, you’re the center of the universe! Everyone’s universe. Follow these simple guidelines to become the best bridezilla you can be. Trust us. That’s what everyone else wants, too!

Crazy bride

Treat your fiancé right

This is where a lot of young brides go wrong. You’ve been planning this day since you were a little girl. That means the plans you have are near perfect. He didn’t even start thinking about it until he proposed (if then), so his ideas are probably stupid. If your husband-to-be is allergic to stargazer lilies, that’s no reason to cut them from your bouquet. After all, that’s what allergy medicine is for. Really, he’s just trying to toss out ideas so you can brag to your friends about how helpful he was. He doesn’t expect you to listen!

Remember that making decisions that are up to your high standards is going to be very stressful for him. Don’t make him ask. You’ll need to approve of his groomsmen, choose the tuxedos for him and pick out the groom’s cake. Just don’t forget that if he’s allergic to the food you’ll be serving at the wedding, you’ll need to remind him to go pick up some Mickey-D’s before the ceremony.

But your most important duties have to do with the bachelor party. Prune the guest list so his wilder friends can’t attend and stay in constant indirect communication with the best man, during which your man acts as a sort of ombudsman for your shared opinion about how the evening should go. His friends may make the argument that the stripper is for the single guys who are there, but you and your future hubby know they’ll be disappointed anyway. Like your fiancé says, those girls are never that hot, no matter how much money they’re willing to spend.


Understand the second syllable of “bridesmaid”

Quick tip: Though you should always phrase wedding-related responsibilities as a command to avoid confusion between those and optional invitations, always say please and thank you. This allows your bridesmaids and your husband to maintain the illusion they’re doing you a favor and it boosts their self-esteem!

The word “bridesmaid” is made up of two words, the second one, “maid,” being the operative term. Being one of your bridesmaids is the greatest honor you can bestow on one of your friends, but it comes with a certain level of responsibility that some people just can’t handle without help.

Make sure your bridesmaids are on a strict schedule of events. It’s best not to attempt to plan these events around their schedules. Their bosses will understand how important it is that they take off work so you can all go shopping for your dresses together. If any of your bridesmaids have kids, you might want to have a list of babysitters you can give them — these should be very expensive sitters, as people don’t want to leave their kids with just anyone.

Keep in mind, though, these days, people have a hundred things going on at any one time. Make a list of each bridesmaid’s duties for her, and call her several times a week to make sure she’s on track — make sure you call while she’s at work so she’s more likely to be sitting next to a pen and piece of paper. Text notifications the day something is due are usually greatly appreciated.


Treat your wedding vendors like “the help”

Wedding vendors like DJs, florists, caterers and photographers aren’t happy unless they’re solving your problems, so make sure they have something to do! After all, what if you’re their only client? Changing your mind a few times is normal. They’ll start to wonder if they’re doing their jobs if you’re too nice.

Despite what you may think, they actually don’t know how to do their jobs as well as you do. So don’t take their advice blindly (if at all); fight them on every point. Call them several times a week to check in on things. For example, if they told you the flower arrangements would be in on Friday, call them Thursday to find out where they are. Throw a bit of a tantrum when you find out they don’t have them. That way, they understand how important it is.

Above all, remember that you don’t pay extra when you ask them to do more. That’s just insulting! Yes, they’re in business, but their business isn’t there to make them money, it’s there to make you happy! There’s no such thing as an unreasonable request from a bride!


Register for gifts carefully

One of the biggest gifts you can give your wedding guests (other than the wedding itself) is the registry. The registry allows them to quickly select a gift they know you want, so they can spend more time choosing just the right dress to make your wedding photos look amazing without overshadowing the bride.

Too many brides make the mistake of registering for very inexpensive gifts. When you get married, you need a ton of really expensive stuff. People want to give you what you want, but they can get distracted by the pretty baubles you register for and may spend less than they intended. Then they’ll feel guilty for years when they realize what happened. Don’t give them a choice and you’ll help them avoid that.


Throw a wild bachelorette party

Remember: Just because you forbid your man to have a stripper or do anything too wild doesn’t mean you have to follow the same rules. Girls are inherently more trustworthy, and men don’t get jealous or feel unloved or unattractive just because you want to look at a hot, mostly naked stud and stuff money in places dangerously close to his bulging manhood (which isn’t at all stuffed).

No matter where you go for your bachelorette party, remember that it’s a celebration of your last few hours of single-dom. Your friends and all the people around you (including the location staff) expect you to get a little wild.

Be sure to drink plenty of alcohol. The accepted standard is puking drunk. This is especially important if your wedding is the next day. If you’re not hungover the day of your wedding, you’ll have an unusual glow as you walk down the aisle.

Also remember that the location staff loves bachelorette parties because all their other customers are a little boring, especially at a family restaurant like Chili’s or Applebee’s. So get rowdy, especially if there are children present. Kids love a good show, and their parents will thank you for keeping them entertained.

Don’t forget to get the waiter or other male staff members involved. Traditionally, brides ask for attractive servers, which is a huge boost to the man’s ego. Don’t worry if he has other tables or duties. His other customers will understand that you need him to take at least 20 pictures for your Facebook page (how else are you going to let those outside your inner circle enjoy your party vicariously?).

Bringing it all together

This only covers five of the most important bridezilla tactics. If you come across a topic that isn’t listed here, remember this: The wedding day is just the “Big Day.” All the days leading up to it are about you, too. I mean, you’re pretty much a celebrity until you get back from your honeymoon. And if you’re going to be a VIP, you have to act like it!

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