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“Be a little slutty” and other things your husband won’t tell you

Jen Ross

OK ladies, I set out to do a real 60 Minutes type of hard-hitting expose. What do our men want to tell us, but don’t, either out of fear, or well, fear. Let’s face it — men are not the best communicators.

Man scratching his head

So to help with that, I provided some helpful husbands with unlimited amounts of alcohol and all they could eat meat. The result is enlightenment for all of us.

You do look fat in those pants

You know your guys aren’t going to tell you the truth. You know you are not asking for the truth. By you asking, you know you could stand to lose a few.

I really don’t like seeing your parents every week

Girls, we know you love your mom and dad. That’s beautiful. But on a Sunday, your guy wants to let out his gut and relax a little with the wife and kids in the comfort of his own home. Remember that movie Any Given Sunday? It wasn’t about dinner at the in-laws’. Get his input about weekend plans with the parents.

That’s a little young for you

Sure he may look at you like he did when you were 20, and even though he will never tell you to stop dressing that age, don’t you notice how he distracts you away from Abercrombie every time you try to go in?

I act like I’m interested…

…when you tell me stories, but I stop hearing you after two minutes, and that’s generous. Your husband never wants to hear, “I have to tell you what Susie did at lunch today.” He will never care what Susie did. Talk behind Susie’s back with your other friends.

I fight you on shopping, but I love when you look pretty

Your guy doesn’t want you breaking the bank, but he does appreciate the effort you make to look pretty. You can buy new things — just don’t tell them about every purchase. While they appreciate the effort you make in hiding your shopping packages, husbands know you keep them in the car until they leave.

Please be a little slutty

One comment heard time and time again. Wives, initiate. Husbands want to know that you want to have a go at it. They don’t want to feel like they are pressuring you every time. Do surprise them every now and then. They want you to attack. Maybe they want you to call them and say, “What are you wearing?”

I do need a map

Husbands are terrible at asking for directions when they are lost. Always! What they want to say, “Be my GPS in the bedroom.”

When I say “I’m sorry,” 75 percent of the time it means, “Shut the f*** up!”

Women, we know we can hash things out with our guys throughout a full marathon of Real Housewives. Husbands have no desire to do this. They will give you the “sorry” just to shut you up and move on.

We know we are idiots, but we don’t want you telling us we are idiots

Men really do acknowledge that we are better than them in a lot of areas. We can do a million things at once, while they can’t remember the right kind of waffles to get. Ladies, try not pointing it out every time. The men are starting to feel very insecure.

I need my boy time like you need your girl time

Husbands need to have time alone. Sometimes wives confuse their being at work with alone time. They need to unwind too and let loose with their guy friends.

So you see? Husbands can be pretty reasonable. And be honest, sometimes wouldn’t you rather watch eight straight hours of Jersey Housewives than talk things out?

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