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When you don’t like your BFF’s man

What happens when you have a best friend you love and adore and yet she comes with a bit of baggage? And by baggage, we don’t mean cute Louis Vuitton luggage. No, in this case we’re referring to the man that comes along with her. How do you move past the disgust for him and continue the friendship and love you have for her?
Been there?
You’re not alone….

Annoyed single woman

We’ve all seen or been a part of the following scenario: You have the most amazing best friend. She is everything to you: your shopping partner, your confidant, your soul mate, maybe even your maid of honor. You love and cherish her, and all the years you’ve spent together make you absolutely sure that there is nothing that can dent what you have built.

And then a man comes along. {oh leave it men…} She thinks he’s everything… she swoons and falls in love and is sure that he’s the one. And maybe, eventually he is. Or maybe perhaps, you met her when he already was.

Regardless, her love for him? It absolutely baffles the heck out of you! You look at her, you look at him, look back at her and again back at him, and you find yourself wanting to exclaim…”Really?!? That’s who you chose?”

Oh girls… We’ve all been there. Some of us more recently than others. And it creates an ever so tough situation, because as much as you hope her other half doesn’t factor into the friend equation, the truth is, he usually does.

Sometimes, it’s in the form of watching your best friend slowly transform before your eyes into a female version of him. Or, perhaps it’s more obvious in that HE goes where SHE goes… and suddenly you feel more like the sister wife of a “husband” that makes you shudder.

So, what’s a bestie to do in such trying friendship times?

Do you tell her your true thoughts that the man she loves is really a big tool (that’s the nicest word we could come up with) and that you are absolutely sure there are better fish in the sea?

Maybe that’s one way, but honestly with an approach like that, there’s great potential of it causing even more of a rift in your friendship, where she then begins to feel uncomfortable around you. Can you say, awkward? Ya, we’re not really a fan of those kinds of moments in our treasured friendships.

You could try to lovingly explain that while you adore her and would do anything for your friendship, you’d kind of prefer if spending time with him was something you didn’t have to add to your to-do list, and maybe she’d be OK leaving him and all talk of him at home.

This approach, done with a lot of grace and class (and possibly without that last line), could potentially work. After all, what is a true friendship without complete and utter honesty? But, keep in mind… especially if he’s a husband or soon to be one, she may feel a bit defensive of her relationship and decide that she’s not interested in keeping around someone who doesn’t support her or want to be happy for what she’s found.

But there’s yet another way to handle this hurdle in your life. And while it’s sometimes the toughest and most humbling approach, we can’t help but wonder if maybe the hardest road is quite possibly the best and most respectable.

What if… you just love her anyway?

You spend time with her alone, and even at times try to include him (as much as you can handle. Xanax?). You give them and their love/relationship the benefit of the doubt (granted he’s not abusive in any way) and maybe try with all your strength to dig deep and see what maybe, just maybe, she sees in him.

We know you may not feel up to the challenge of spending all your time pondering his potential amazing qualities, but at the very least make the effort in the times when you are around the two of them together. Maybe you’ll notice the way he loves her. Maybe you’ll see what an incredible family man he is or how loyal he is to his friends. Whatever it is, remember… what we spend our time focusing on becomes greater and truer in our lives.

And then you just continue on shopping and laughing and sharing and growing with your BFF, and you remember all the reasons you two were brought together and all the things about her that make you love her so much. And you continue to be there to support her, despite her choices in men (and sometimes clothes and hairstyles) because that is what a true best friend would and should do.

She may know without words exchanged that her greatest loves don’t necessarily love each other, but she’ll see that her two greatest loves love her enough to make it work regardless.

Now we know life isn’t always a romantic/friendship comedy where things work out perfectly in the end and the three of you hold hands skipping off into the sunset.

But, if the friendship is important and meaningful and has incredible redeeming qualities, you absolutely should do whatever it takes to continue to make that last.

Love is complicated. Be it with your own man, your friends or your lack of love for your friend’s man… but the greatest gift we can give is choosing to love unconditionally.

If we can get past the ’80s, we can get past anything.

More tips on friendships

5 Ways to be a better BFF
5 Reasons your BFFs are so important
Boost your BFF bonds

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