Is your man a total nuisance? Are you dying to kick him to the curb, immediately if not sooner? You’re in luck!
We hereby present 10 things that will make him run — not walk — in the other direction, leaving you free to pursue other interests. But be warned: These suggestions are potent. Use at your own risk!
Ask him if you’re fat
- a.) Ask him if your hips look big in your new skinny jeans.
- b.) Look at him expectantly.
- c.) Depending on his answer, either accuse him of lying or burst into tears. That’ll teach him that he can do nothing right!
Say “I don’t know” when he asks you what you
want to do for dinner
It’s like the old Abbott and Costello skit “Who’s on First?” If you’re not going to weigh in on whether you want to eat Mexican food or order veggie burgers, he might as well be talking to a houseplant. Going around in circles will not only frustrate him, but it might just make smoke come out of his ears, like a malfunctioning robot.
Point out his errors when he helps around the house
Let’s say your guy unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom and picked up your dry cleaning. Don’t waste any time telling him that he put the drinking glasses in the wrong place, neglected to mop the inch of floor tiles behind the door, and didn’t even take the plastic bags off your clothes when he hung them up. Gawd! Was he raised by wolves?
If a text comes in, answer it. If you want to pin a recipe on Pinterest, do it. If you need to share your weather concerns on Facebook, go ahead. Even if he’s talking to you. All the better if you have a smartphone and can whip it out when he’s in the middle of a story about his childhood, featuring his beloved lost dog, Mr. Barks.
This one works best if you’re double-dating with another couple or at a party. Act incredibly fascinated if another man tells you about his gig as a drummer, hedge fund manager or motorcycle restoration artist. Then compare it to your guy’s job — unfavorably. Example: “That sounds fascinating! Greg here is just a paper pusher. [Roll eyes.]” or “I don’t have any idea what he does at work all day!”
Criticize his sexual performance
Particularly effective is the silent treatment/crossed arms/frown combination, given immediately after he fails to make you orgasm. Even if he pleads for you to tell him what moves you’d prefer or offers to make you happy however he can, refuse to give up the details of what went wrong. Instead, sigh and slowly retreat to the bathroom, where you stay for at least 20 minutes.
Suggest he could stand
to lose a few
Pat his round stomach, encourage him to order the fish or tofu whenever you’re at dinner, and tell him muscular bodies on guys (à la Ryan Reynolds) are so hot right now. If only he’d just live at the gym, you might be more attracted to him, you know?
Watch terrible reality TV whenever he’s around
There are some reality television shows that win Emmys. The Amazing Race, say, or Intervention. But to truly make your dude high-tail it out of your life (or at least your living room), tune in to Bad Girls Club, Tough Love, a marathon of The Real Housewives of [insert city here, but we recommend Atlanta for maximum results], any programs linked to the Kardashian franchise or The Bachelor: Women Tell All. He might not leave your life entirely (yet), but he’ll sure as sugar leave you alone for a few hours.
Talk about how hot
other guys are
Some of your guy’s friends are attractive, you have to admit. Now mention it out loud. Talk to your man about how if you had to hook up with one of his friends, it would totally be his bestie from college — the guy with the internet company and the geeky good looks. To add fuel to the fire, chatter constantly about how sexy Jon Hamm is and how you would give anything for Zac Efron to sweep you off your feet, like he so often does to willowy heroines in the movies. Bonus points if you post a pic of Gerard Butler as your laptop’s desktop wallpaper.
Read his emails, check his texts and draw
He got a text from a “Sherri?” Who’s “Sherri?” Why is she texting him “See you at 12?” What? She’s his firm’s 60-year-old client? No, she’s not! She’s obviously his mistress, and he was meeting her at the Hilton for a nooner! It’s confrontation time, and your man has no idea what level of crazy paranoia he’s in for.